Unrequited Alice Read online

  “Well…”

  “And you’re going to New York to stay with him, I hear?”

  “Yes.”|

  “Not sure I like it, to be honest.”

  “What?! Are you … are you jealous?”

  His eyes dropped.

  “Sorry, I know I have no right to be.”

  I laughed. Not a happy laugh. An exasperated, frustrated laugh. We looked at each other for a few moments, and I took in his handsome face and wondered what all this was about, all these feelings that had made me crazy for months, years even. I hated that I still wanted him. He wasn’t as perfect as I’d thought a few months ago, but he was still Ed. Friendly, kind Ed, despite what he was doing now. Good-looking, charming … and then it hit me: he wasn’t treating Hannah very well. And she was my oldest friend.

  “Ed, if you don’t love Hannah, if you’re not one hundred per cent committed to this marriage then firstly you shouldn’t have married her, and secondly you should talk to her about it. It’s not fair.”

  “I do love Hannah. I just … like I said before, there’s something between us, isn’t there?”

  “Oh God,” I said, taking a deep breath. I looked at him, and suddenly I hated him.

  “Yes, and I’ve no idea why. Because only now do I see, that you’re a bit of an arse. So you better not ever cheat on Hannah. She deserves better.”

  His face fell.

  “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

  “This is the third time you’ve brought this up. Now, do you want to be a good husband, or a shitty one?”

  Wow, I sounded like Penny. She’d been a good influence, obviously.

  “A good one, of course.”

  “Then focus on Hannah. Forget me. Forget your ego, and whatever other crap is floating around in your head, and be the best husband she could ever have.”

  We heard a key in the lock.

  “I will,” he said, smiling awkwardly. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome,” I said, still sounding angry.

  “Hey!” called Hannah’s voice.

  “Hey, Alice is here!” he called back.

  I went out to hug my friend.

  Three hours and a bottle of merlot later, we were all lounging on the sofas, talking about how full we were from our Indian takeaway. We’d been sharing stories from the wedding, and I’d told them all about Toby, the lies with his family, and how unsure I was about him. If Ed didn’t want to hear it, he was free to leave the room. But he stayed, keeping quiet, while Hannah asked every detail and debated whether we’d end up together or not.

  “We won’t,” I’d told her. “He’s made it clear we’re only friends. And that’s okay.”

  On the train ride home, I realised that shouting at Ed had given me some sort of closure. He wasn’t as perfect as all that, and I was getting over him. Finally. I smiled at my reflection in the window, proud of the realisation.

  Back in my bedroom, I packed the last of my stuff into a box that was going to Uncle Alan’s house; all my bits and pieces that I wouldn’t be taking to New York were going in his loft, and a van was waiting outside to take it for me. Miranda helped me carry the last of the boxes down and then gave me a huge hug and told me to keep in touch.

  Penny came with me to the airport.

  “Now, remember: be careful. Do not screw him, no matter how drunk you get.”

  I laughed. “I won’t,” I said, “I’m going there for me. To find myself. To sort my head out. I might have some fun, date a little, but I don’t need another man.”

  “Good girl.”

  “Thank you for everything. You’ve been amazing, since the day I moved in.”

  “Likewise. Message me when you get there safe, yeah?”

  “Of course.”

  I hugged her tight.

  “Can I just say one thing, though?”

  “Yes?” I said, looking at her kind face.

  “You’re not crying like you were when Toby left the other week. Just saying. I’m hurt. I guess Toby obviously means more to you than me.”

  I stuck my tongue out at her, gave her one final hug, and turned away.

  It was time to see Toby again.

  Chapter Seventeen

  I got a text from Toby while I was waiting in the departure lounge, saying he was looking forward to seeing me. I replied to say me too, and then I sat still, staring out of the window at the planes, wondering how things would be. With this ‘deal’ to be friends and not ruin anything, I tried to imagine greeting him. Surely it had to be in a similar way that I’d greet Penny, or Hannah? A quick hug. No holding hands. No kisses on the lips like when we parted last. And I’d have to stick to my own room, my own bed. None of this sharing anymore. We had blurred the lines, but it was time to draw them again. To avoid messing things up.

  I was looking forward to seeing his friends again, too. Charlie had already messaged me on Facebook to wish me a good flight and was looking forward to catching up, and I’d had a friend request from both Mike and his wife Beth too, which was sweet. It was nice to know a few more people.

  Then there was Aunt Kerry. As a kid I’d spent a few weeks every summer staying with her, my Uncle Dennis, and my cousin Becky, who was a year older than me. They lived in Staten Island, and they’d regularly take me on the ferry over to Manhattan and show me the tourist sites, and make a big deal out of my visit. I hadn’t been over since I’d been a student; my parents’ life insurance had funded me until then, but once I was working I hadn’t really had the money to go. Aunt Kerry had offered to pay for me a few times, but I’d never felt I could accept her generosity, I’d never got the impression that they had a lot of spare money.

  Despite my UK schooling and British accent, I’d always felt an affinity with the US. I was born in California. My mother had gone over to San Francisco to work as an au pair for a year and had met my dad. They moved to the UK when I was three. When I was four, they went out for a romantic meal, just them. Gran looked after me. I don’t remember anything about that night. I just know they didn’t come home. A fatal car accident.

  Gran had said Mum wanted to move back to the US. That she felt more at home there. How different my life would’ve been had they not gone out that night. I always imagined I’d have gone to a school like in one of the American TV shows I watched, and been a cheerleader. My cousin Becky had always laughed when I told her my fantasy, saying that American life wasn’t as similar to Saved by the Bell as I seemed to think.

  While I waited in the departure lounge, I flicked through the photos on my phone of Toby and me. In Niagara. At Hannah’s wedding. At his parents. Zara had insisted on taking a photo of us with our arms wrapped around each other. I was kind of disappointed not to go straight in and renew that easy affection, but surely that would just be a bad idea.

  “Oh wow, it is you!”

  I looked up, and got a shock.

  “Billy!” I stood up and gave him a brief, awkward hug.

  “Toby said I might see you here. What flight are you on?”

  “Virgin. 11:30. You?”

  “Ah, I’m with BA. I’ve got a longer wait. Toby said you’d probably be here somewhere but I didn’t know if I’d find you. Mind if I sit?”

  “Of course.” I was grateful for a friendly face and someone to talk to. I moved my bags and he sat down next to me. I thought about what Penny had said about having fun with him and felt myself blush.

  “Toby never said anything.”

  “Yeah, well, I was in London for just a few days. Last minute trip for work. Wasn’t sure when I’d get back. I was just texting him and he said you were probably around.”

  “So, how are you?”

  “I’m good. How’re you? I heard about your job, that sucks.”

  “Yeah, well …”

  “I’m sure it’s just the start of something new and exciting.”

  “Me too,” I said, smiling. I’d forgotten how cute he was.

  “It feels like so long since we were in Canada, b
ut it wasn’t that long ago, just over a month right?”

  I realised he was correct. It felt like I’d known Toby a lot longer. “Yes, about two months.”

  “How was Hannah’s wedding? I kept meaning to ask Toby.”

  “Beautiful. Really lovely. And they had an amazing honeymoon, lazing by the Indian Ocean. It looked so, so nice.”

  “I’m really jealous. Do you have any photos from the wedding?”

  I showed him the photos on my phone.

  “Wow, she looks gorgeous. So do you,” he said, grinning as he flicked through my phone.

  “Thank you. It was a lovely day.”

  “Ah there’s Sally, Ruth and Molly. How’re they?”

  We carried on like this, catching up on our friends. He told me about Charlie’s French girlfriend.

  “She’s hot, but immature if you ask me,” he said, shaking his head. I wondered if he was just jealous.

  “I guess if she makes him happy…”

  “True. You hungry? I’m going to get a pretzel.”

  “Sounds good, thanks.”

  He wandered off, leaving his bag with me. I watched him smiling at people, being friendly to the staff who served him, and returning with two warm pretzels with cinnamon sugar. He handed one to me. It looked and tasted really good. We ate in silence for a while.

  “So you and Toby … just friends?”

  I wondered what Toby had said about us.

  “Yes.”

  “Good, that’s what he said, so I’m glad you’re on the same page.”

  I nodded, unsure how to respond.

  “It’s really nice of him to let me come and stay.”

  “He’s a good friend. He’ll do anything, for anyone. I had appendicitis about six months back. He came with me to the hospital, and stayed for hours. He’s incredibly loyal.”

  I nodded. “He is. And you have my sympathy. I’ve had my appendix out too.”

  He smiled at me.

  “Toby said you guys were close. You’ve become good friends?”

  “Yeah. It’s nice.”

  He nodded, and I felt like he was holding something back. I looked up at the board.

  “Oh, I better get going, my flight is boarding,” I said, getting up. “It was so nice chatting to you.”

  “Real quick, before you go… Can I … Okay, I promised Toby I wouldn’t do this … but can I buy you dinner next week?”

  I thought about it for a second. Why not? He was cute. He was sweet. Maybe a date, or a few dates, with a cute, attractive, happy guy was a really good idea. I needed some fun. Toby only wanted to be my friend, so he couldn’t object, surely. Penny had even suggested this very idea.

  “Like a date?” I said, just to clarify.

  He smiled. “You’re so cute. Yes. A dinner date.”

  I grinned. “Sure.”

  “Put your number in my phone,” he said, handing it to me. I typed it in, careful to include the country code.

  “I’ll see you next week then, have a great flight,” he said, getting up to give me a quick hug. He was so happy and enthusiastic, it was quite infectious and I was beaming back.

  “You too.”

  I picked up my bags and smiled at him, then I made my way to my departure gate. It was only on the plane that I wondered what Toby would think. Well, it wasn’t really his business who I dated, was it? Still, I didn’t want to tell him face to face.

  Me: About to take off. Saw Billy in the airport, coincidence or what? He asked me out on a date. You keep saying I need to move on, so I thought: why not? Turning my phone off now. See you soon x

  I turned my phone off, then regretted sending the message. I’d now spend the next seven hours wondering what he had replied.

  I’d done this journey so many times before, but not for a long time. Between the food, the films, and the books on my Kindle, time passed relatively quickly. As the plane started its descent, I looked down on my father’s hometown and felt an overwhelming sense of happiness. I could see the Empire State building, and imagined him going there when he was a kid. Aunt Kerry had said they’d gone on an outing with their grandparents when Dad was about eight, and he had loved it. I looked at Central Park and remembered running around in it with my cousin, wishing I could stay there forever. I’d always felt a sense of belonging, whenever I visited, and suddenly wondered why I hadn’t returned sooner.

  I passed through the airport fairly quickly, skipping past all the other Brits with my American passport. I was quizzed about my accent, but let through.

  I was finally here. No more of the old me: Unrequited Alice. No more love for a man I’d never have.

  Time to start my new life.

  Chapter Eighteen

  I hauled my luggage off of the conveyor belt and wondered if Toby was here yet. When I thought about it, despite my excitement only a few moments ago, I was giving everything up to go and share an apartment with a man that I’d only known for a few months, to live in a different country, with no job prospects … it seemed kind of mad.

  I suddenly felt a long way away from Gran; with no definite date to return, I wasn’t sure what I’d be doing in a week, let alone six months. She’d be turning ninety then. But I was mostly excited; this would be an adventure. I’d figure out who I was, what I wanted, and make some plans to carve out my future.

  I wheeled my suitcase through the crowds, my mind back onto Toby. He hadn’t replied to my text. Was he mad about Billy? Would seeing him again be weird?

  I relaxed a little when I saw him smiling at me as I came through arrivals. He was the same, grey-eyed, handsome, kind man I’d spent hours with. My best friend. There was no need to be nervous.

  “Hey,” he said, giving me a big hug. “Let me take your luggage.”

  “Hello, and thank you.”

  I didn’t resist as he took hold of my suitcases; I was tired and he was much stronger than me. I followed him outside, suddenly feeling shy again and not sure why; I knew him. I spoke to him every day. In some ways, it wouldn’t be that different. We’d just have more in common now. And the talking would be in person again.

  “You okay? Tired?” he asked as we joined the queue for a cab – yellow of course. I was in NYC again! It suddenly sunk in and a big grin spread across my face.

  “I’m great, just … overwhelmed.”

  He turned and grinned at me, then opened a cab door for me to get in.

  An hour later, I was on Toby’s sofa, my legs curled up underneath me, sipping a cup of tea.

  His apartment was just how I’d imagined it; open-plan, spacious, with a small bathroom and two bedrooms. The view from the windows was pretty much as he’d described; just other buildings, but we were on the tenth floor so I still enjoyed looking down to the street below, staring at the tiny little cars, mostly cabs. They looked like yellow toys from up here.

  He’d bought me a brand new bed and linen; white with little lilac flowers on it. It was lovely.

  “Love my bedroom,” I told him, taking it in.

  “It’s small I know but I didn’t think … well, it didn’t seem appropriate to share longer-term.”

  “No,” I said, feeling my face flush, “of course. And it’s big enough, not much smaller than my room in Camden.”

  “And I’ve taken a few days off to spend time with you. Thought we could go out and about.”

  “Aw, that’s so nice.”

  “Well, I couldn’t let you go out there on your own when you first arrived. And Mike said he’d introduce you to Beth tomorrow night. We’re taking you to dinner.”

  “Wow, I can’t wait to meet her, and see Mike again.”

  “I can’t believe you’re actually here.”

  “Me neither.”

  An awkward silence descended. Why was it suddenly so much more difficult face to face than in our texts, emails and phone calls?

  “This is weird, isn’t it, the whole face to face bit again?” he admitted.

  “Very.”

  He smiled. �
��But I’m glad you’re here.”

  “I’m glad I’m here, too.”

  “About Billy…”

  “Yes?”

  “I think you should know, he’s not always great with women. Doesn’t always call them back. Nice guy, great friend … but … well, I wouldn’t want him dating my sister, put it that way.”

  “Is that how you see me? Like a sister?”

  “I just … don’t want you to get hurt.”

  “Well, I won’t. I’m not looking for love. He’s sweet and charming and it’d be nice to go on a date. You know how long it’s been since I’ve been out with a man.”

  “You’re going out with me tomorrow night,” he pointed out.

  “On a date, I mean. Out with a man who likes me, you know, like that.”

  His mouth was set in a hard line, not giving any emotion away.

  “Well, just be careful, then.”

  I nodded. “Of course.”

  I wanted to add that I had a feeling he’d hurt me more than Billy ever could, but I held it in. Seeing him again had bought back a whirlwind of feelings that I didn’t want to think about or delve into. He was my friend. A great friend. That was all. I had to keep reminding myself of this. He had been my rock through the whole Ed disaster. Now I could be there for him as the weeks came up to Brian and Donna’s wedding.

  Having said that, at bedtime, I really, really wanted to snuggle. I fit so comfortably in his arms. But I resisted the urge, and went straight into my bedroom to get into my pyjamas. I came out again, brushed my teeth, and he was standing in his bedroom doorway, in a t-shirt and boxer shorts, looking good.

  “So, good night,” I said, yawning.

  “Good night.”

  He didn’t move, but I went into my room and quietly shut the door. I got into bed. It was cold and I wished he was there with me.

  “Alice?” I heard him call about five minutes later. I decided to ignore him. He said we were friends, so that’s how I was going to act from now on.

  The next day I was pretty tired so Toby suggested we postpone the hard-core sightseeing and just go out for a walk. We wandered around Central Park, taking in the water, the rocks, the beautiful trees, the joggers, cyclists and dog walkers. It was a sunny day, warm but not humid, and I once again felt comfortable in his presence.