Unrequited Alice Read online

  That word. Friend. Again.

  I rang Penny.

  “Oh dear, has he gone?”

  “Yes.”

  “You’ll see him in a few weeks.”

  “I cried. He saw.”

  “Oh crap.”

  “I know.”

  “You wouldn’t cry if I left for two weeks. Or Miranda. Or Hannah. You don’t even seen your Gran every two weeks. So why now?”

  “I don’t know why,” I said, walking towards the train.

  “You do know. You have feelings for him. He’s more than a friend.”

  “He’s in love with his brother’s fiancé.”

  “Yet he just spent a whole weekend sleeping with you.”

  “We didn’t have sex. Or even kiss.”

  Then I thought about the goodbye kiss and couldn’t help but smile.

  “But he likes you and you like him.”

  “I don’t think he does. He keeps reminding me that we are just friends.”

  “Well, you’re not going to like this but you shouldn’t go to New York if he doesn’t feel the same way. You’ll just get hurt.”

  “I don’t even know how I feel.”

  “You’re falling for him. And unrequited love sucks, Alice, as you well know. You’ve been there once, don’t go there again.”

  “I can do this. He’s just a friend.”

  “Come home and I’ll make you some tea and we can talk some more.”

  “On my way.”

  The train journey home gave me time to think. This was ridiculous. Yes, maybe I had a bit of a crush on Toby, but did I really know him that well? A few days in Niagara, a few days in the UK, but that was it. The phone calls in between were good, but as he kept reminding me, we’d become close friends. That was all.

  I said as much to Penny, who opened the door as I came up our road, and handed me tea as I sat down on the sofa. She didn’t say anything, just smiled and nodded like she thought differently but decided not to argue for once. I was grateful for that.

  A text came in.

  Toby: About to board the plane. I keep thinking about that kiss. I’m sorry. I had to walk away.

  I showed Penny.

  “He kissed you?” she practically screamed.

  “Just a peck. But a hard one. It was more than nothing but not quite something.”

  “What does that even mean?”

  “What shall I reply?”

  “Be honest, I guess.”

  I thought about it for a few minutes.

  Me: I keep thinking about it too. Why did you do it, when you obviously only want friendship?

  Toby: I don’t know. You’re my friend. But just now and then I wonder what it’d be like…

  Me: I know, me too x

  Toby: We can’t mess up this friendship. It’s too great. So no more wondering. I promise no mistakes like that when you’re in NYC. Deal? Let’s not ruin a good thing.

  Me: Are you saying it was a mistake to kiss me?

  Toby: Don’t be like that. I’d love to kiss you. Then I’d be a great boyfriend for about eight weeks, then I’d hurt you, and you’d hate me, and our friendship would be ruined. No more talk about kissing. Friends or nothing. Don’t you agree? It’s easier this way. I don’t want to lose you.

  I sighed, I didn’t want to lose him either.

  Me: You’re right. Deal. Have a great flight x

  Toby: Good. Have to switch off now. Speak to you on the other side

  “What a fuckwit,” was all Penny had to say.

  Later that night, in bed, I held my phone and I read and re-read these messages over and over again until I fell asleep.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Closing down the shop was harder than I’d expected. The new owners were going to make it a coffee bar, so all stock had to go. We reduced prices right down for the stuff we couldn’t return, and put big ‘closing down’ posters up in the windows. Regular customers would come and share their condolences, bargain hunters would come and grab a handful of cheap books. I’d told the other staff to take the last few days off, while I cleaned and packed away the last of the stock on my own, ready to donate to a charity shop.

  Yvonne had told me I could keep any office supplies and the laptop from the office, which was nice. We had a huge supply of long-life foods and canned drinks in the back of the little café, which I put into bags and Penny helped me to hand them out to homeless people.

  I spoke to Toby most days. We didn’t mention the kiss, and I noticed he was very clear to avoid any kind of flirting or mention of our physical contact. We were well and truly back in the friend zone, and for now I was happy enough with that.

  I spent a day with Gran and Uncle Alan. They told me to go have fun, not worry about them, maybe look at some college courses and retrain to do something new. I was grateful for their encouragement, but still didn’t really know what I wanted to do with my life, and it was starting to feel a little scary that I didn’t have a plan. All I knew was, I had a flight booked for New York, and Toby had, apparently, cleaned his spare room to ‘Alice standards’.

  On my way home after visiting Gran, I had a phone call from an unknown number.

  “Hello?”

  “Alice, it’s Zara, how’re you?”

  Toby had asked me if it was okay if she had my number. Apparently she’d practically begged him for it.

  “Hey, I’m good, how’re you?”

  “Great! I know you’re probably busy packing for the big move in with my brother.”

  “Yes,” I said, realising that she thought we were moving in together like a couple would. “Well I’m just going for a few months, we’ll see what happens.”

  “Yeah, yeah. I was just wondering if you had time this week to meet me for dinner? I’ll be in London.”

  I met Zara in a pizza place in Soho. It was a wet, grey day and I pulled my rain mac around me tightly as I waited for her in the doorway. I’d happily agreed to meet her, without considering the fact that she thought I was her brother’s girlfriend. Now, standing here, I felt bad about deceiving her even further. Did it really matter if I admitted the truth? Yet Toby had asked me not to. Something about how nice it was to speak to his mother and sister without them asking him about women and encouraging him to ‘settle’.

  “Alice!” Zara’s voice came out of the rain and I turned to see her running towards me, umbrella up, her face bright and smiling. I’d forgotten how much she looked like her brother.

  “Hey, Zara,” I said, smiling back. She put her umbrella down and gave me a hug, her coat only slightly less wet than mine.

  The restaurant smelled of garlic and melted cheese, and we were shown to an orange booth near a window. Zara shook her coat off and looked at me with an eyebrow raised.

  “What? You’re looking at me funny.”

  “You just look a lot like Toby,” I admitted.

  “Oh, yeah, we get that a lot. Brian’s quite different. Toby used to tell him he was adopted.”

  “What a meanie.”

  “Yeah, well, Brian gave as good as he got.”

  We ordered our pizzas and I suddenly felt awkward. I liked Zara and in any other circumstances, I’d imagine we could be great friends, but she thought I was something I wasn’t. I wanted to tell her, but I felt I’d be letting Toby down.

  “I was saying to Toby on the phone the other day that I just think you two are perfect for each other,” she said, increasing my guilt.

  “Ah, that’s nice,” I told her, genuinely flattered that she thought I was good enough for her brother. “What did he say to that?”

  “He said he missed you.”

  “I miss him too,” I admitted. I needed to change the subject. “So, tell me more about you. Why are you in London this weekend?”

  It turned out she was about to spend the weekend with an old school friend. I kept asking questions, about her childhood, about her recent holidays, about her career, her hopes and dreams. She was happy to share all, only asking me occasionally
similar questions, which were Toby-free for the most part.

  The pizzas were delicious.

  “So, going back to you and Toby,” she said, tucking into her final slice.

  “Yes?” I asked, hoping this wouldn’t be another awkward question.

  “I just wanted to say, Mum loves you. We were talking about how good you were together.”

  Ah, lovely Rose. I was touched. Another person to disappoint in the future then.

  “That’s so sweet.”

  “I know I probably seem a bit full on, you’ve not been together long. But he told Mum he loves you, so we know it’s serious.”

  I almost dropped my fork.

  “He did?”

  “Yes. Mum said he’s never said that about a girl before.”

  I was a bit angry with him, then. It was one thing to let them believe he had a girlfriend, quite another to indicate it was so serious. But then, they thought we were moving in together, how much more serious did it get without a ring? This was turning into such a mess.

  A few drinks later, and I gave Zara a big hug in the tube station. “Come and visit us in New York,” I told her.

  “I will!” she said, waving and going off to her platform. I went in the other direction.

  Toby and I had avoided the conversation of ‘us’ on the phone since he’d left, I wasn’t sure I wanted to bring it up again. But I thought it was mean to allow Rose and Zara to think there was any longevity in our relationship.

  “Ring him, right now. Tell him how you felt awkward. See what he says,” instructed Penny.

  I picked up my phone, and played with the cover. It was too lose and I was always fiddling around with it.

  “Come on. Let’s hear what he has to say.”

  I opened up Skype. It was late, but it’d only be early evening in New York. Maybe Toby would have got in from work.

  I dialled him, and he answered. Penny took the phone off me, put the loud speaker on, and set it down on our table.

  “Alice, you there?” Toby was saying.

  “Yes. How’re you? Good day?”

  Penny gestured with her hand that I ought to get to the point, I put my finger up to her lips and shot her a glare.

  “Not bad, I’m still in the office.”

  “Oh sorry, I can call back,” I said, thinking at least Penny wouldn’t be around to hear this later.

  “No, no it’s fine. Was today the day you had dinner with Zara?”

  “Yes. It was really nice.”

  “Ah, good. I’m glad you get along.”

  Penny put her hands on her hips and tapped her toe to show her impatience.

  “Zara says you told your mum you loved me,” I said, deciding she was right, I should get to the point.

  “Oh,” was all he could say. Penny raised her eyebrows and glared at my phone.

  “It’s a bit cruel, to make her believe there’s something really serious going on, when in fact there’s absolutely nothing going on.”

  Absolutely nothing. Zilch. Just friends.

  “I didn’t mean to, it just kind of slipped out.”

  “How can something like that just slip out?”

  I looked up and Penny was staring at me, a little smirk on her lips, one eyebrow now raised in a silent question.

  “I don’t know, she said we seemed good together, so I said yeah I love her. I meant it as a friend, but of course she thinks I’m in love with you now.”

  “Right.”

  “I mean, I do love you. As my friend.”

  Penny rolled her eyes.

  “I love you too, as a friend.”

  “Right.”

  “Glad that’s sorted then.”

  “Speak to you soon.”

  “Bye.”

  I ended the call and pushed my phone away, letting it slide halfway across the table.

  “You two are crazy,” Penny said, then sighed dramatically.

  “Will you come visit me, in New York? I could sleep on the sofa, you could sleep in my bed?”

  “Won’t Toby be in your bed? Won’t it be a shared bed?”

  “No. I’m not sharing with him, you know that. The spare room will be my room.”

  “I thought you always shared a bed with your BFF?”

  I shrugged. “I’m not sure what to expect when I get there but I think it’d be better we keep to our own rooms. This isn’t the same as the odd few days we’ve had before.”

  “And he might bring a girl home.”

  I gulped. I hated that thought. “Exactly.”

  “And you’d be fine with that.”

  “Yes. Of course,” I fibbed.

  “You know, the sooner you admit you fancy him, the easier our friendship will be. I hate having to nag you to do the right thing all the time.”

  “I don’t fancy him,” I said, looking away from her.

  “Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t have any feelings for Toby at all.”

  I looked her in the eyes. “Even if I did, there’s no point. He wouldn’t feel the same way.”

  “No, he only accidentally told his mother that he loves you.”

  I shrugged. “I can’t allow myself to fall for him, Penny. He is in love with this other woman. I would get hurt.”

  “If you really, honestly think that he doesn’t feel that way about you, then why are you going to New York?”

  “For a fresh start. For adventure. To spend time with him as my friend.”

  “And if you fall in love with him, and he doesn’t let you in?”

  “I won’t.”

  “You didn’t plan to fall in love with Ed, did you?”

  “Penny! This is different.”

  “How so? Unrequited love sucks, Alice.”

  “I know! Don’t you think I know that?” I was almost shouting at her. We’d never had a heated debate quite like this before. “I sat there for years – years! – watching Hannah and Ed go through all the motions, and it sucked. Big time. It was heart-breaking to realise how I felt about him, when I couldn’t have him! It still hurts now!”

  My eyes filled with tears and I sat down at the table.

  “I’m sorry,” Penny came behind me and pulled my hair back from my face. She put her hands on my shoulders.

  “It’s okay.”

  “For the record, I think Toby has feelings for you but he’s a typical fucked up, scared man who can’t admit to them.”

  “May I please butt in?” Miranda appeared in the doorway. I’d thought she was out.

  “How long have you been home?” Penny asked her, taking a seat next to me.

  “The whole time. I’ve been listening in the living room.”

  “Oh,” I said, embarrassed. I’d never told Miranda about my feelings for Ed.

  “Listen, firstly, I can imagine how awful it must be to watch a man you care for marry someone else, so commiserations there.”

  “Thanks, I guess.”

  “Second, I agree with Penny. It sounds as if he likes you but he’s messed up. Go and have fun. Stop thinking about it and just go with the flow. Worst case, you go stay with your aunt.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes.”

  I nodded, taking a deep breath.

  “I agree, that does sound like a good idea. Go. See how it goes, but if he isn’t interested, move out before you get in too deep,” Penny said, putting her hand on my arm.

  “Good. Phew. Now, I’m off up to bed,” said Miranda, patting me on the head as she passed by me to the stairs.

  I turned back to Penny. “I don’t even know what I want. I want some fun. This is all a bit much, to be honest.”

  “Maybe you should date one of his friends instead,” Penny suggested. “What about that other one who flirted with you?”

  “Billy?”

  I hadn’t thought about him in ages.

  “You said he was cute. Have some fun with him. You don’t want anything serious right now, anyway.”

  “I guess I’ll see what happens.”
<
br />   “Good.”

  “So will you come visit me?”

  “I’d love to. I’m going to miss you.”

  “Me too. Let’s talk all the time, yeah?”

  “Definitely.”

  The last day in the shop was hard. There wasn’t much left to sell, and I just sat there, staring at the walls. Yvonne came in about 3pm and I gave her my keys. She hugged me and wished me good luck.

  I went home and packed up my room. Penny and Miranda were already advertising for a new housemate. I’d miss them, especially Penny.

  My flight was booked; I was heading to New York City in two days. I’d been in touch with Aunt Kerry, she wasn’t going to be in town when I arrived but she was going to meet me for lunch next week. Toby had even bought me a bed, and cleared out his office. I was grateful, and so glad he was expecting me to go into the other room. I wasn’t sure sleeping next to him would be a good idea long-term.

  My last big task was to visit Hannah and Ed.

  They had returned from their honeymoon in the Seychelles two days earlier and Hannah had already called to tell me how special and magical it all was. I listened without jealousy; well, maybe for the holiday but not for being with Ed, and hoped I could feel that way when I saw them in person.

  I knocked on the door tentatively; grateful that this would be the last time I’d have to face them for a while. A break might do me good. Get some distance. Forget this whole sorry phase.

  Ed opened the door, looked surprised to see me, and then smiled.

  “Sorry I thought you were coming at seven?” he said, looking at his watch.

  “Oh, I thought Hannah said six?” I smiled nervously.

  “She’s just at her parents,” he said. “She’ll be back soon though, come on in.”

  Oh, great. Who knew how long I’d have to spend feeling awkward with the man who nearly kissed me, and just married my friend. Talk about uncomfortable.

  He led me through to the kitchen and put the kettle on. I asked about the honeymoon and he told me in far more detail than he usually would. Then it was silent.

  “So, how have you been?” he said, finally.

  “Fine.”

  “How’s things with Toby?”

  “Oh, well, fine. We’re just friends.”

  “You looked pretty cosy together at the wedding.” He had an edge to his voice.