Unrequited Alice Read online

  I was touched.

  “And she said I was an idiot for not keeping in touch, in fact she encouraged me to look you up.”

  “So she knows we haven’t spent that much time together?”

  “I’ve since told her about the phone calls, and that I was going to be your date for the wedding, and she kind of just assumed, said something about it was about time I got a girlfriend. She seemed so pleased, I didn’t want to tell her we were only friends.”

  “So you thought it was better to lie, than let her down?”

  “Well, I didn’t expect her to invite you to dinner. I figured I’d tell her we broke up in a few months.”

  “You can’t ever break up with me, Best Friends Forever now.”

  He smiled and squeezed my knee.

  “Thanks for going along with this, I owe you.”

  “I already owed you, after the wedding.”

  We drove in silence for a bit, leaving London behind and passing fields of sheep and cows.

  “It feels good to drive again, I don’t have a car in New York. I’ve borrowed Mike’s a few times, but it’s not the same.”

  “Tell me about your life there, I want to imagine it.”

  “I’ve got a two bedroom apartment, in Manhattan. It’s open-plan, not too small, not too big. Just a few blocks from some great restaurants and Central Park isn’t far, either. I walk a lot.”

  “And what’s your job like?”

  He shrugged. “It’s finance. Not very exciting, but I like it. I manage a team of good people.”

  “I wish I knew what job I’d like. I feel so lost with the shop shutting.”

  “Okay, you need to change your attitude, too, young lady.”

  I laughed. “You’re gonna make a great dad one day.”

  “Seriously, happiness is all about attitude. If you wake up each day, feeling all crappy, feeling lost, constantly thinking about Ed, no wonder life feels shit.”

  I took this in for a moment.

  “I guess…”

  “I’m serious. I know I’m one to talk, but honestly day-to-day, I just wake up and feel grateful I’m breathing. That I can wiggle my toes and fingers. That the sky is so beautiful on a sunny day. That my job is interesting. All that other stuff, it just happens around me, but I don’t stress, I don’t get down.”

  “Never?”

  “Well, not too often.”

  “What about when we first met?”

  “I admit, that was a low point. But I’ve been better since, right? Even though my brother is marrying the only girl I’ve ever been in love with.”

  “Tell me about girls. Not Donna. Other girls. You must’ve been out with others since her, like this one just before you met me.”

  “Yes. Lots of girls.”

  Lots? What a slut.

  “And?”

  “And no one has lasted more than a few months. It’s usually me who ends it, I admit. I don’t let them get too close. I guess I hold back.”

  “Why? That’s just such a typical annoying male trait.”

  “I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want to hurt them. I just don’t want to get serious.”

  “Don’t you want to be happy?”

  “I am happy. I don’t need a serious girlfriend or a wife.”

  “Don’t you get lonely?”

  “I guess I used to, sometimes.”

  “Not now?”

  “Now I’ve got you. I speak to you every day.”

  “That’s not the same as having someone to cuddle in bed at night. To come home to.”

  He shrugged. I didn’t say anymore. I didn’t want to encourage him to get a serious girlfriend, although I wasn’t sure why. If I was going to stay for a few months then I guess I didn’t want to see strange girls in the apartment. I liked it just us.

  We spent the rest of the journey singing along to the radio and teasing each other when we got the lyrics wrong. Eventually, we were near Cambridge.

  I pulled the sun visor down and ran my fingers through my hair, checked my make-up and made sure that there wasn’t any food stuck in my teeth.

  “You look gorgeous,” Toby said, “stop fussing.”

  “I want them to like me,” I admitted. “I want to look my best.”

  “Why do you care? Their judgement means nothing to you. This isn’t real.”

  “It’s real for them. I want them to feel you chose well.”

  “I don’t care, so you shouldn’t.”

  “You do care, or you wouldn’t have told them I was your girlfriend. You wouldn’t be taking me there to meet them.”

  He smiled. “You got me. Put more make-up on.”

  I shoved him lightly and he pretended to lose control of the car for a split second before turning down a country lane. Then, he pulled up outside some big wooden gates and opened his window to buzz an intercom.

  “It’s me!” he called.

  “At last!” came a female voice. The gates opened and he put his window back up.

  “You didn’t tell me your family was loaded,” I told him, as he drove us through the gates. There was a sweeping gravel drive and a beautiful Georgian style house. There was a big oak tree and Toby pulled up beside it.

  “Not loaded. Comfortable, maybe, but not loaded.”

  A woman I assumed was Toby’s mum came out, wearing a long blue dress and a beaming smile. She winked at me and threw her arms around Toby, her eyes welling up.

  “It’s been far, far too long since I got to hug you,” she said, not letting go. “You’re a wicked son.”

  “I missed you, Mum.”

  I felt a little intrusive, standing there, staring. To my relief, a man stepped out. I assumed he was Toby’s step-father. He’d mentioned him a few times during our phone conversations. He’d been around since Toby was quite young.

  “You must be Alice,” he said, smiling kindly. “Nice to meet you, I’m Marcus.”

  “Nice to meet you, too.” I told him.

  He gave me a kiss on the cheek and turned to Toby. His mum reluctantly released him and Marcus gave him a hug.

  “Sorry, I’m Rose,” his mum turned to me and gave me a kiss. “I’m so very happy to meet you, I’ve heard so much about you.”

  I glanced at Toby, wondering what he’d said, hoping he hadn’t made anything else up, and smiled at her.

  I loved Toby’s parents. They were like the family I’d never had but wished for. Of course, Gran had done her part, as had my Grandad before he’d died, but I envied Toby’s obviously happy conventional family unit. Apart from his relationship with his brother, of course. Best of all, they had a cocker spaniel called Fuzz, who soon became my cutest new friend.

  Rose and Marcus couldn’t have been happier to see their son, fussing over our bags, settling us in the guest room, sitting us down for tea and cake. I saw Toby visibly relax after Rose informed us that Brian and Donna couldn’t come as they were at a friend’s wedding. But his sister Zara would be joining us.

  I sipped my tea and nibbled my cake, sitting beside Toby on the sofa. I didn’t know where to put my hands. We needed to seem like a couple; which we probably would have done on any other day, cuddling on the sofa, but now we had to actually act like one for real, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I kept fidgeting. Eventually, Toby took my hand in his, and rested it on his thigh. I took a deep breath and tried to relax.

  “So, you live in London, Alice?” Rose asked me.

  “Yes, in Camden, but I’ve just been made redundant, so I’m going to go and stay with Toby in New York for a bit.”

  “Oh, that’s wonderful, moving in together?”

  “I’m just going to stay for a while, we’ll see what happens.”

  “She was hoping you’d persuade him to move back to England,” Marcus told us.

  “You can come and visit us, anytime,” I found myself saying.

  Toby smiled at me.

  “Thank you, dear, that’d be lovely. Haven’t been out for a few years, have we, Marcus?
”

  “You’re way overdue a visit, then.” I told her.

  Zara, Toby’s sister, was just like him. Same colouring, same smile, same laugh. She came in, all affection, hugs and kisses and smiles.

  “So you’re the famous Alice,” she said to me. It sounded like he’d told quite a few people about ‘us’. She then told us all her news, about her job, friends and life in general. Toby asked her lots of questions and his affection for her was rather endearing.

  Rose eventually got up to make dinner, insisting she didn’t need any help.

  “You want to walk Fuzz with me, leave the men to bond?” Zara asked. I was only too happy and got up, leaving Toby with Marcus. Why did my hand feel weird now that he wasn’t holding it?

  Fuzz wagged his little tail with excitement while Zara put his lead on, and off we went. It was a warm day, the sun was shining and the flowers were in full bloom. Zara led me through the back garden, and out into some fields beyond.

  “I’m so glad to see my brother happy, finally,” Zara told me. “Every time I visit him, it’s like he’s just existing, you know? And I can see the difference you make, being around him. He’s all lit up.”

  Really?

  “That’s sweet,” I said, wondering if it were really true. If so, I was glad.

  “The way he looks at you. Wow. I wish I had someone to look at me like that.”

  “Well, it’s early days,” I told her, “but he makes me happy too.”

  I realised I wasn’t lying. What was that about the way he looks at me?

  “This is it for you guys. I know it, I’ve got an intuition for these things.”

  I didn’t want to tell her that her intuition was obviously way off; we’d never even been on a date or seen each other naked, nor were we ever likely to.

  “Is it too soon to tell you I’ve always wanted a sister?” she said happily.

  I laughed. “Perhaps. But I’ve always wanted one too, I’m an only child.”

  “Aw. Well, we’ll just have to persuade Toby to marry you then!”

  “What about Donna? She’ll be your sister-in-law soon.”

  “Eh. I don’t like her much. Have you met her?”

  I was surprised. “No, what’s she like?”

  “She’s beautiful, and she knows it. She doesn’t work, her parents pay for everything and she does all this kind stuff like working for charity, but she’s a bit self-righteous about it. A bit showy … Brian loves her, dotes on her … but I don’t know … I’ve never been close to him like I am Tobes, but I sometimes wonder what Brian sees in her.”

  “That’s a shame,” I said, quietly triumphant. I knew she couldn’t be as wonderful as Toby thought. He’d said she was ambitious, but she didn’t have a job, so what was she ambitious about then? Shopping with her parents’ money?

  “Yeah. But you, I just know you and I are going to be friends.”

  She beamed at me, her face full of genuine warmth and I couldn’t help but smile back.

  “So, Toby tells me you’re going to be a vet?”

  “Yes…”

  I listened to her chatting happily about her passion for animals and envied how sure she was about what she was going to do.

  By the time we got back, I was reconsidering Toby as a best friend. I wanted Zara instead. She was so fun, and so upbeat. And little Fuzz was so cute, bounding along in the long grass, sniffing the ground, running between us. I wanted to take him home.

  Dinner was lovely. Rose had made a vegetable lasagne, she told me Toby had warned her I didn’t eat meat. We drank wine. We talked a lot. It was wonderful.

  “I love your family,” I whispered to Toby in the spare room that night. We’d got into bed just like we had almost every other night we’d spent together, and snuggled up.

  “Thanks, they are pretty cool. You and Zara hit it off.”

  “Yeah, she’s great.”

  “Thanks for playing along.”

  “It didn’t really feel like playing, to be honest. It wasn’t difficult.”

  He was quiet while he took this in, and I wondered how I’d said it so casually.

  “You’re right. Is that weird?”

  “Maybe.”

  We didn’t say anymore, and I fell asleep with my head on his chest.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Rose’s birthday was the next day. Toby surprised me by giving his mum a gift card for a spa weekend with Zara. Rose was over the moon, as was Zara, and I felt bad when they thanked me too, as if I’d contributed in some way.

  I was sad to leave, I’d been quite content and comfortable around Toby’s family so quickly, and I knew it meant Toby’s time to go back home was coming soon too. I’d taken a couple of days off at the shop, but mostly we were just packing up to shut down anyway. I’d go back in for the last few days and then we’d shut the doors forever. The end of an era. I was sad, terrified and excited all at the same time.

  Back in Camden, Penny quizzed Toby all about his apartment, and how safe I’d be, and told him I needed chocolate on the third week of every month, much to his embarrassment, and that I would be too proud to let him pay for anything, but too poor to not get spoilt now and then.

  “So you’ll come out in two weeks?” Toby asked as he threw clothes into his suitcase. I resisted the urge to take them out again and fold them neatly. That’s the sort of thing a girlfriend would do, and I was definitely not his girlfriend. Future housemate. Good friend. Completely platonic.

  “Yes. Just need to shut down the shop, say goodbye to Gran, and my friends, and then I’ll be on the first flight out.”

  “And, to be clear, it’s rent free,” he said, squashing everything down so that it’d fit.

  “No, no, no.”

  “Yes, yes, yes.”

  He stopped what he was doing and turned to look at me.

  “It won’t cost me anymore to live there because you’re with me.”

  “Gran gave me some money,” I told him. “And I’ve got the redundancy pay. I’ve got enough to get by without working for a while.”

  “Then just buy us a pizza now and then. Spend it wisely. Honestly. I won’t take any rent.”

  “Well, let me pay for our groceries, or something.”

  “Okay, deal.”

  He wrapped his arms around me and for the millionth time I felt unsure about what I wanted him to do next. “I can’t wait to see you out there.”

  He pulled away. “Can you sit on my case?”

  I looked at the mess that was his luggage, and sat on the top. He pulled the zip around, pushing bits of material in as he went.

  “I hope your apartment is tidy,” I said, laughing. “You’ve seen how I live.”

  “It’s like a bloody show home,” he said, finally getting the zip done.

  “I’m serious. Tidy up for me.”

  “I will. It’s not so bad, honest. I have a cleaner come regularly.”

  I wondered if he could fire the cleaner when I arrived, it was the least I could do to clean up for free accommodation in Manhattan. I got up from the case.

  “If you want to change your mind…”

  “Why would I?” He frowned, confused.

  “I just mean, it’s going to be different. Spending a few days together versus me staying with you for a couple of months.”

  “You can stay as long as you like, and let’s just be honest with each other. If we annoy each other or whatever, we’ll say and sort it out. But we’ll get along great.”

  I nodded, biting my lip. I knew we would, or at least I hoped so. I had been wanting to cry all morning, and I wasn’t sure why but I realised now that it was because I didn’t want him to go. Even though it was only two weeks until I planned to go out to NYC. I tried not to analyse what that meant, to go with the flow, but I knew I’d miss him.

  “Call me when you can,” I said, squeezing his hand as we rode the train to Heathrow. I’d insisted on seeing him off at the airport.

  “Of course. And good luck with Ed.” />
  “Ed?”

  “When they get back. You’ve been doing great. Remember; maggots.”

  I laughed. “I will. Gross, wriggling, smelly maggots.”

  “Good girl. Coming out of his ears, his nose, his very pores.”

  “Lovely. And you don’t go dwelling on Donna and Brian’s wedding.”

  He shrugged. “I don’t think about it too much. There’s little I can do, right?”

  I wanted to ask why he’d want to do anything at all, from what I’d heard from Zara, but I kept quiet. He didn’t know what I saw in Ed either and I didn’t appreciate him bad-mouthing him. Plus I hadn’t even met the girl, I guess I shouldn’t judge until I did.

  “So…” Toby said, with a sad smile.

  For the first time in a while, I felt awkward with him. I put my arms around his neck and he held me there for a moment. I felt my eyes welling up, and just held on so he couldn’t see.

  “I don’t know why I’m so sad, I’m going to see you in a few weeks,” he said.

  “I know,” I said quietly.

  “Are you crying?”

  He pulled away and I let a few tears fall.

  “I’m sorry, I don’t know why,” I said. I did know why, but I wasn’t about to admit it.

  “You’re just attached to the safety net, to the feeling of strength because you got through the wedding. But you don’t need me you know; you’re stronger than you think.”

  I nodded and bit my lip.

  “You’re amazing, Alice. My best friend. I mean that. So get your shit together, come live with me for a bit, and we’ll have a blast, right?”

  “Right,” I said, taking a deep breath and nodding. He kissed me on the lips hard and quick, and before I had a chance to know what was happening, he’d turned and walked to the departure gate. I stood there, watching him go. Just before he disappeared from view, he turned and waved at me, smiling. I waved back. Then he was gone.

  I pulled my phone out of my pocket and typed a quick text.

  Me: I’m sorry for getting upset. Thanks for everything. See you soon x

  He replied almost immediately.

  Toby: No need to thank me. You’re the greatest friend I ever had. Miss you already x