Unrequited Alice Read online

  “Veggie option is always best,” I told him, taking a mouthful of my mushroom tart. It wasn’t that great though, to be honest.

  “What made you become a vegetarian?” he asked me.

  “I was sixteen. My Gran gave me some diaries of Mum’s. They weren’t terribly exciting, you know, just talking about day-to-day stuff. How she worried about me falling and hurting myself, I was a clumsy child. How she loved visiting my dad’s family in New York. She also wrote down everything she ate.”

  “And she never ate meat?”

  “No. I didn’t know that; I was only four when they died. So I asked Gran, and she said, yes, Mum hadn’t eaten meat since she was a teenager. I guess I thought it’d bring me closer to her, somehow. And now … well, now I don’t even like the thought of eating that dry boring chicken.”

  “You don’t talk about your parents much.”

  “I don’t have much to say,” I said, sighing. “I went every summer to visit my aunt in New York, but I always wondered what it’d been like to have Dad around as I grew up, with his American influence. I might have been a very different person.”

  “I’m sure you would have; both your parents would’ve shaped you.”

  “But it is what it is. I am not a victim. Lots of people get orphaned. I owe it to them to go out there and live to my fullest potential.”

  Toby smiled. “Very inspiring.”

  “The Champagne helps,” I admitted, taking another sip. “But what I’m trying to say is, I’ve always thought about moving to the US. I’ve got dual nationality so I should be okay getting a visa.”

  “So are you going to come stay with me?”

  “I’m seriously thinking about it.”

  His face broke out into a big, wide smile.

  “Good.”

  “To new roommates?” I held up my glass.

  “To best friends,” he countered, clinking his against mine.

  A white chocolate and raspberry cheesecake improved my opinion of the hotel food and I ate every last crumb. And then came the speeches.

  Arthur went first, telling anecdotes about Hannah which were really very sweet and touching. Then Ed stood up.

  “Thank you all for coming,” he started … and then he began the most romantic, lovely speech ever about the woman he loved and I switched off. I glanced at Toby, who was already looking at me, and I smiled. He squeezed my thigh under the table. I took a swig of champagne, and I pictured myself many miles from here. Maybe in Central Park, sitting on a bench, looking up at a beautiful autumn tree.

  Matt went next, and still I barely listened. I continued thinking about New York. What was Toby’s apartment like? How would I fill my days? I’d see Aunt Kerry for sure. I’d go do some sightseeing. Maybe I could find a part-time job while I figured out what I wanted to do longer term. Would I need to get a visa? I didn’t think so with my American passport, but I’d better check as I hadn’t lived there in so long. I fought the urge to get out my phone and write a to-do list.

  Finally, the speeches were over. Ruth suggested we all go and sit outside for a bit, get some fresh air – it was still far too hot – and before I knew it, we were mingling and making small talk with old school friends, Hannah’s family, and the other bridesmaids. Ed was married, and somehow, miraculously, I was fine. Better than fine. I was drunk.

  I’d forgotten that Toby was a far better dancer than you’d ever expect. He had rhythm. We danced until my feet ached. Laughing, drinking, swaying, bopping, singing along, and drinking some more.

  After a while, we sat and ate some wedding cake.

  “Thank you, again,” I told Toby, leaning into him as he wrapped his arm around my torso, “You really helped today.”

  “You’re stronger than you think. You’d have been fine.”

  “I’m better than fine, though. I’m actually pretty happy. Never thought I’d say that on this day.”

  “Glad to have been of service,” he said, gently kissing my cheek.

  I wanted him to kiss me. Really kiss me. I was going to tell him, too. I’d been drinking nearly all day and I suddenly didn’t care if he rejected me. Surely he wouldn’t? Surely he wanted to kiss me back?

  Then I saw Hannah and Ed sharing a passionate kiss in the middle of the dance floor and everything paused for a moment as the jealousy hit me once again and I suddenly felt horribly sober. I’d got through today, but I still had a little way to go yet before I was ready for someone new.

  “Want to dance some more?” I asked Toby. He stood up and held my hand, leading me to the dance floor again. Molly, Ruth, Sally and others soon joined us.

  “You’re a good dancer,” I told Toby over the music. “For a man.”

  He laughed. I laughed. Maybe things would be okay, after all.

  Having Toby there had made so much difference; having someone to go and sit with, to bring me drinks, to make me feel special instead of broken-hearted.

  Towards the end of the evening, I was chatting to Molly, and Toby was talking to her boyfriend Howard. Slow songs had come on, and things were winding down.

  “May I have this dance?”

  I looked up to see Ed, offering his hand to me. I glanced at Toby, but he was engrossed in his conversation and probably didn’t even hear Ed over the music.

  “Sure,” I said, taking a deep breath and standing up.

  I put my arms around his neck, and he put his arms around me and we cautiously moved together.

  “I just wanted to say thank you,” Ed said quietly in my ear.

  “For what?”

  “Loving me. That was quite a speech earlier. I’m sorry I’ve put you through pain.”

  “It’s not your fault.”

  I knew we needed this conversation; to continue any sort of friendship, but I wasn’t sure I was ready for it. But, I was feeling quite drunk again now. So maybe this was a good time, after all.

  “Regardless, I am flattered. And any guy would be lucky to have you.”

  “Thank you, Ed.”

  We remained silent after that. I let myself enjoy the moment; dancing with the man I loved, letting him hold me for that one time, probably the only time he ever would. When the song ended, we pulled apart and he gave me a warm smile. I smiled back.

  “Be an awesome husband, you hear me?”

  He grinned. “I will. I promise.”

  I turned around, planning to return to my seat, but Toby was there, waiting. Without a word, he slipped his arms around me, as Ed Sheeran’s Thinking Out Loud started up.

  “You okay?” Toby spoke in my ear.

  “Yes,” I said. “I think I just got closure.”

  “You’ll have to tell me how to find that, sometime.”

  “I’m not sure it’s something I can teach.”

  He smiled and squeezed me hard. And then we just danced. I would be forever grateful to Toby for being there, holding me, helping without the need to say another word.

  The DJ announced that it was the last song of the night; Hannah’s favourite – Never Forget by Take That.

  “Such a classic, come on,” I said to Toby, who rolled his eyes.

  We joined our friends, singing and dancing, and I was surprised to realise I had enjoyed myself today. Putting aside the fact that I’d admitted I was in love with Ed, less than hour before he got married, of course.

  Toby and I went to bed wearing our wedding outfits, lying on top of the covers, talking, arms around each other, until we fell asleep. He was my hero.

  Chapter Thirteen

  “Veggie omelette, please,” I told the waiter in the hotel restaurant the following morning. We were sitting near Hannah and Ed, but they’d been interrupted so many times by various relatives and other guests, coming down for their hangover-induced carb-rich breakfasts, that we hadn’t spoken that much.

  “Same here.” Toby passed his menu up and took a big swig of coffee.

  “You can eat meat in front of me, you know,” I told him.

  He shrugged. “I’
ve been cutting back.”

  “Since when?”

  “A while.”

  I wanted to ask if it was since he met me, but Sally and Ruth came and sat with us and the moment was gone. They were full of chatter about the wedding, and then Niagara, and the fun we’d had. Toby promised to pass their greetings to his friends when he went home.

  Back in our room, we packed up our things, chatting only as much as our hangovers allowed.

  “You’ve done really well,” Toby said as we wheeled our cases to the door.

  “Thank you, and thanks again for coming, I really do appreciate it.”

  He kissed me on the forehead. “That’s what friends are for.”

  Down in the lobby, everyone was crowding around Hannah and Ed, who were about to leave for their honeymoon. I pushed through the crowd and put my arms around Hannah.

  “Have an awesome time, hun,” I told her.

  “You’ve been an amazing friend and an amazing bridesmaid,” she said in my ear as she hugged me back. It wasn’t true, but I didn’t say anything. I pulled away and she took my hands.

  “I mean it,” she said, “you’ve been great.”

  I glanced over her shoulder at Ed.

  “That’s true,” he said, smiling at me.

  “It was a gorgeous day,” I told her. “I’m so happy for you.”

  “Have a great honeymoon,” Toby said to Ed.

  “Thanks, man.” They shook hands and I wondered if they’d ever grow to like each other; then I wondered if they’d even ever meet again.

  Hannah turned to her parents for a farewell hug, and then they got into the waiting car and off they went, to start their honeymoon, and their married life together.

  “I hope they’ll be very happy, and I mean that,” I said to Toby.

  “You’re a remarkable person,” he told me.

  We found the car and drove to my uncle Alan’s house with the radio on, not talking much. I for one was tired and my head ached. So did my feet. I wasn’t sure at that moment why I felt high heels were ever a good idea.

  “Hey, Ali,” Alan said as he opened the front door.

  “Good to see you,” I said as I hugged him. “This is Toby.”

  Toby held out his hand and Alan shook it.

  “Your Gran is in the conservatory,” he told me. “I’ll put the kettle on.”

  I led Toby through the house and found Gran sitting in a wicker chair, book on her lap.

  “Ah, my Alice,” she said, grinning. I went and gave her a hug and a kiss, and introduced her to Toby.

  “So you’re the New Yorker,” she said, taking him in.

  “Well, I’m from Cambridge, but yes I live in New York.”

  “I remember your mother introducing me to your father, although he had a New York accent, of course. And now you bring me home someone from New York too?”

  I laughed. “He’s just my friend, Gran.”

  “Sure,” she said, winking at me. I felt myself blush and looked at Toby, who looked a little red too.

  Alan brought in tea and we stayed and chatted with them for a few hours. Toby fell into easy conversation with them both and I wondered what they thought of him. Alan asked Toby if he wanted to come and see his allotment – his pride and joy – and so they left us alone for a bit.

  “So have you found a new job yet?” Gran asked me.

  “No, I’m thinking about taking a bit of time off,” I told her. “Toby offered for me to go and stay with him for a bit.”

  “I’ve told you over and over that you ought to go stay with your aunt. I know you’ve always been curious about living in America.”

  “That’s true.”

  “Have you got enough money?”

  “My severance pay is enough for my flight, and to get me by for a few months. I thought I might be able to get a part-time job out there for a bit. I guess with my passport, it should be easy enough. I suppose I should find out.”

  “I’m sure you’ll be fine. You’re half-American after all.”

  “I don’t know what I’ll do long term, though. Not sure really…”

  “You’re young, no responsibilities, go have fun, dear. Live life to the fullest.”

  I squeezed her hand. “You’ve been an awesome parent, Gran. Sorry I’ve never told you that.”

  Her eyes welled up. “Well, I wish I hadn’t had to be, but thank you. It’s been my pleasure.”

  “You’re right, I should have some fun.”

  “Definitely. When you’re old like me you’ll wish you had the energy to travel about and have lots of fun.”

  “You’re not that old.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Now, make sure you keep hold of this one, I like him.”

  “We’re just—”

  “Friends, I know,” she said, smiling, “but you like him.”

  I shrugged. “I admit, I do. He’s my best friend.”

  “Sounds like a great start to me,” she said, a twinkle in her eyes.

  “I don’t know, Gran. Sometimes I think maybe there’s something there. But other times I think I’m not really in that place. And neither is he.”

  “Well, I think you should go to New York and visit him for a while. Have fun and figure out your next move.”

  “Maybe you’re right, maybe it’d be good for me.”

  “A change is as good as a rest, so they say.”

  “Okay, I’ll go.”

  Her face lit up. “Wonderful!”

  “I’ll sort out Skype with Alan, then we can talk via the internet.”

  “Lovely. That’ll be nice.”

  “We’re back!” came Alan’s voice from the front hall. I gave Gran a tight squeeze and got up to go, wondering if Toby really would want me invading his space. Aunt Kerry would be pleased to have me as well, but I liked the idea of staying with him, if he really didn’t mind.

  I was glad to see Gran, but also glad when we were heading back to Camden. I was tired and I wanted to chill for a few hours this evening as tomorrow we were heading for Cambridge to meet Toby’s family. I was quite nervous; I hadn’t wanted to ask if his brother and fiancé would be there, but I had no desire to meet them right now. I had a feeling I might respond to Donna in the same way Toby had responded to Ed; i.e. not favourably.

  “So I have a confession to make,” Toby told me as I put my speciality – egg and chips – down in front of him that evening.

  “Go ahead,” I said, dipping a chip into my egg yolk.

  “My family still think you’re my girlfriend.”

  I wasn’t sure I’d heard him right. “Oh.”

  “I’m sorry. Is that going to be okay? Not too weird?”

  “Well, I guess most people at Hannah’s wedding thought we were a couple. It shouldn’t be too hard.”

  “Thank you. I owe you.”

  “Why did you tell them that?”

  “Mum just kind of assumed, and she seemed so happy, I guess I didn’t want to correct her.”

  “I hope they like me.”

  He laughed gently. “Of course they will.”

  Penny came home to find Toby on our sofa, watching a film, me with my head in his lap, my eyes closed. I’d just been drifting off to sleep when I heard her come in, but didn’t want to open my eyes. I was too sleepy and comfortable.

  “Oh, hi,” Toby whispered. “I think she’s asleep.”

  “Ah yes, she is,” whispered Penny back. “She’s so cute when she sleeps.”

  I tried not to giggle. “Yes, she is,” Toby said, stroking his hand across my head.

  “You’re so into each other,” Penny whispered. I felt Toby tense. Crap, I should’ve known she’d say something like that to him as soon as I wasn’t able to hear it. She was always so open and chatty about everything. I decided to keep quiet, to save Toby embarrassment.

  “We’re just friends,” he whispered back.

  “So she keeps telling me. But she talks about you all the time. You’re obviously very comfortable around each other, and
well, I’m just saying. I think you’d make a cute couple.”

  Toby sighed.

  “I’m in love with someone else, so…”

  Why did that make me catch my breath?

  “So was she, a few months ago.”

  “She still is.”

  “Nah. She’s falling for you.”

  “I hope not. She’s my best friend, but I don’t feel that way about her.”

  I felt sick. I didn’t know whether to stop their conversation.

  I could picture Penny smiling at him, raising an eyebrow the way she did when she thought she knew better.

  “Okay, well, we’ll see,” she said. “Good night.”

  “Good night.”

  I heard her leave the room, and I sat up and looked at him.

  “You heard all that, didn’t you?” Toby asked me.

  “Yes. Sorry about that. She’s always trying to match-make. Ignore her.”

  “For the record, you cannot fall for me. For both our sakes.”

  I laughed. “What makes you think you’re my type, huh?”

  He laughed too, relaxing. “True. You seem to prefer jerks.”

  “Ed is not a jerk!”

  “I have to admit, he seemed a nice enough guy, if you put aside the other stuff.”

  “I’m glad you think so.”

  “Having said all that, tomorrow you’re still happy to act like a couple? It’d just make my mum so pleased. I feel like every time I turn up alone, she’s disappointed in me.”

  “No problem at all.”

  I kissed him on the cheek and got up.

  “Coming to bed?”

  Chapter Fourteen

  “So, don’t forget that my parents think you’re my girlfriend,” Toby reminded me as he pulled the rental car out of the space and started our journey towards Cambridge.

  “Okay, how did we meet?”

  “Niagara Falls.”

  “You told her how we actually met?”

  “Well, I spoke to her on the phone the day after I got back from Canada. She asked how the trip was, and I told her about you. I said you and I had some stuff in common and hit it off right away. That we’d spent a lot of time together. I was just being honest.”