Unrequited Alice Read online

  “I feel stronger with you too.”

  “Good. We’ll help each other get through this together, and then we can get on with our lives.”

  “Sounds like a plan.”

  “So, come on, introduce me to him. I can’t wait to see what he’s like.”

  I laughed. “I thought you hated him already for the lunch drama.”

  “I don’t hate him, I just don’t have much trust or respect.”

  “Well, come meet him now, you’ll see he’s a nice guy. He was just having a bit of cold feet.”

  “You’re biased about him.”

  I shrugged. “Love does that.”

  “You still think you’re in love with him, after the stunt he pulled?”

  “I don’t know anymore,” I said truthfully. “But when I saw him just now … well, it still hurt.”

  He patted my shoulder. “You’ll be fine.”

  “I know.”

  “Come on, let’s go.”

  We made our way to the hotel restaurant, where Hannah, Ed, and both sets of parents were waiting, along with Matt, Ed’s best man. I greeted them all, introduced everyone to Toby, and sat down to eat.

  The food was average; I only hoped for better things for the wedding, but Hannah didn’t seem to notice, she was on a high, laughing, beaming with happiness and I was happy for her. Ed looked happy too. He seemed to be avoiding eye contact with me, but that was okay. I had to let him go. I’d never have thought that possible at one point, but it really was easier with Toby there. I made the decision over dinner to accept his offer for New York; what harm could it do? I felt happy when I was with him. It’d be a change, a chance to make some decisions. I could visit Dad’s family. And I could help Toby through his brother’s wedding in Florida, just as he was helping me now. I owed him that. My severance pay would get used up and maybe my credit card would take a hit, but I would just have to find a great new job to make up for it.

  My only reservation was leaving Gran; but I’d hinted to her that I was considering it and she’d been full of encouragement, as she always was whenever I wanted to do anything.

  The meal was a success, both sets of parents seemed to get along, Matt teased Ed about an embarrassing speech, and Toby was friendly and charming to them all, and I was proud to have him as my ‘date’.

  Ed and Matt left a little after 10pm. Ed kissed Hannah goodbye and told her he’d see her at the altar and I had to take a deep breath as the sadness swept over me again. Toby felt it somehow and squeezed my hand. I gave him a grateful smile.

  “Oh it’s so hot!” Hannah said while we had a final glass of champagne with her parents. “I hope it’s not like this tomorrow, we’ll all melt.”

  “Heatwave is supposed to last for another week,” Arthur, her dad, told her. She sighed.

  “Better too hot than pouring with rain,” Lillian, her mum, pointed out.

  “True, listen to your mother,” Toby chimed in.

  “I like this one,” Lillian tapped my arm. “Good find.”

  They seemed to have assumed he was my boyfriend, and neither Hannah nor I had corrected them. Toby hadn’t even, I realised.

  “He sure is,” I said, leaning into him. Maybe I’d had too much to drink. To my surprise, Toby put his arm around me.

  “I’m the lucky one,” he told Lillian. My heart swelled, even though it was all fake.

  “Right, well see you in the morning!” Hannah said excitedly, getting up. We exchanged hugs and excited grins, and all went off to our separate rooms. I felt my mood deflate rapidly. The time had come. Perhaps Ed had feelings for me, but whether I’d wanted him or not, he had chosen Hannah and tomorrow it would all be over. They’d be married and I had to give up any place he had in my heart for good.

  Toby chattered away about how nice Hannah, Lillian and Arthur were as we walked to our room. I didn’t say much, lost in my own thoughts.

  “So you want my honest opinion?” Toby asked as soon as we were behind our door.

  “Of course.”

  “He’s a bit dull. I mean, a bit of a blank. Good-looking, if you like that sort of thing, but just … yeah, dull.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes, really.”

  Hmm. I wondered if he were slightly jealous. I knew I was of Donna. Just a tiny bit, of course.

  “But they seem very happy,” he said, “and I can see he’s right for Hannah.”

  I nodded but didn’t reply.

  “Sorry, I didn’t say that to hurt you.”

  “No, you’re right,” I said, smiling.

  “He seems nice enough though, and I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt, assume he’s a nice guy who just had a bad moment, until he behaves otherwise.”

  “Good. He is nice, honest.”

  “He must be, for you to fall in love with him.”

  I didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

  “Shall we go to bed…?”

  “Sure.”

  I gathered my things and went into the bathroom, the same thoughts swirling through my head as a few moments ago downstairs. This was it. Hannah and Ed were getting married. I had to stop thinking of him like this. I let a few tears fall, took a deep breath and walked back out to Toby, who was looking out of the window, wearing just his boxer shorts, which had red hearts all over them.

  “What do you think?” he said, grinning and turning around. His face fell as he saw me. “Oh, Alice, come here.”

  I started to cry, real fast hard sobs, and he came over and held me. My face was pressed up against his bare chest, but I was too upset to feel awkward.

  He held me tight for a long time.

  “Alice, you’re the most amazing person I know. You’re incredibly strong. And you’re my best friend, and we’re going to get through this together, alright?”

  I nodded into his chest.

  “You’re the most important person in the world to me. I hate to see you so upset.”

  I was? The most important? More than his family? More than his other friends? More than Donna, the woman he supposedly had been in love with for years and years? I felt more confused than ever, the conflicting thoughts mixed with champagne, making me feel dizzy.

  “You’re very good at making me feel better.”

  “Good,” he said, squeezing me even tighter.

  “I got your chest wet,” I said, laughing as I looked up at him.

  “I don’t care. Come on, let’s sleep.”

  I wasn’t too upset to notice his nice muscles as he pulled away. Just saying.

  Chapter Twelve

  Hannah was having breakfast in her suite with her parents and brother, leaving me and Toby to dine with the other guests who’d arrived, including Molly who gave Toby a massive hug and asked him all about his friends and how they were all doing.

  We were part way through our buffet when Ed walked in and Molly called him over. She told him how much fun we’d all had in Niagara and he smiled and joined in, without looking at me.

  Molly and I left the men to chat while we went up to see Hannah; she looked radiant and happy, floating around her room drinking champagne, laughing with her parents, getting her nails touched up, having her make-up and hair done. Ruth and Sally arrived and there was a lot of giggling and excited conversation and only a few times did I feel sad. It was hard not to appreciate how happy everyone was, and get caught up in the spirit.

  Only when I saw Ed in his morning suit, wearing a cravat that matched the colour of my dress, did I feel a pang of sadness and regret. I took a deep breath and crossed the hotel lobby to talk to him. I was going to have to face him alone sometime, and somehow it seemed better to do so before the wedding. To clear the air with some normal conversation.

  He’d been talking to some guests who had just arrived, and he pointed them to an usher who walked them through to the ceremony room.

  “Good morning. You look very handsome,” I said, smiling.

  “Thank you, Alice, and you look gorgeous. Really beautif
ul,” he said, looking at me intensely.

  “Thanks,” I said, feeling my face flush.

  “Can we just talk a moment?”

  “Of course.”

  To my utter surprise, he put his hand on my arm and led me around a corner, into a dark corridor.

  “I am really sorry. About the other week.”

  I shook my head. “Let’s forget it ever happened.”

  “I just want you to know, I do love Hannah and I want to marry her and make her happy. I hope you believe that.”

  I looked at his lovely eyes, and considered how I’d have dealt with all this if Toby hadn’t shown up in my life. I’d probably have cried buckets. Would I have tried to convince Ed to pick me? I couldn’t imagine hurting Hannah. So, this was always going to be the way it went. I was just going to get through it with a bit more sanity, and less mascara down my face.

  “I do believe you. And I want her to be happy, too.”

  He nodded and his face relaxed, the relief was clear.

  “If things were different … I mean, if I weren’t with her … I just wanted you to know, I’d be knocking at your door.”

  Equal combinations of delight, sadness, and irritation ran through me. I was flattered; the man I’d had feelings for, for so long, liked me back. I was deflated; he was about to marry my oldest friend anyhow. And I was annoyed; he shouldn’t be telling me this.

  Yet I couldn’t be mad with him. So I just smiled and looked at him, unsure what to say, wondering if it’d be best to just walk away and back to the crowds. I went to turn, when he spoke again.

  “Toby seems nice.”

  “He is,” I said, turning back and forcing a smile.

  “You’re not really with him, though. Just friends?”

  “What difference does it make?”

  “Sorry, I just wanted to know.”

  “It’s none of your business,” I told him, suddenly angry. What right did he have to know anything about my love life?

  “I just care about you, Alice. A lot.”

  “Stop saying that!”

  “Why? We’re friends!”

  “Do you realise what it’s been like for me, Ed? I’ve had feelings for you since we met! And then just before your wedding you suddenly flirt with me!”

  “Since we met? Alice … I didn’t know.”

  “No. You didn’t know. And you’ll never know that being in unrequited love is a heart-breaking, soul-destroying thing.”

  “Unrequited love?” His face looked shocked.

  Had I just used the ‘L’ word? It was too late now, and I let it all out.

  “No matter how wrong you know it is to fantasize about another woman’s man, you can’t stop yourself. Your heart beats a little faster whenever you see him. You wish you’d met him first. You wish you were the one to hear about his day each evening, the one to eat with him, to sleep with him, to have him hold you tight…”

  I knew I was ranting, that I’d regret these words, but I couldn’t seem to stop. It was as if all the thoughts and feelings I’d ever had about him had to be released. He just stood there, listening, unable to interrupt, unable to find any words to calm me.

  “…You try to move on, you try to focus on someone, anyone – or anything else. You try to be happy for them, as they move through the motions, happy in their relationship. And until recently, I had to accept that you would never know. And all the while, I’m here, watching, dreaming, wishing that things would be different.”

  “Alice, I’m sorry,” he said, reaching for my arm and trying to hug me. Tears were streaming down my face now. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Only be sorry that you flirted with me. You can’t help anything else.”

  “I feel like such a dick.”

  I let him hold me for a few moments, taking deep breaths while I tried to compose myself.

  “I suspect you’re both needed elsewhere,” Toby said, my knight in shining armour suddenly appearing.

  “There’s nothing going on,” Ed said, looking panicked. “We’re just having a quick chat.”

  “Alright, if you say so,” Toby said, glaring at him.

  “What are you suggesting?” Ed said, his face getting red.

  “I think you can tell that Alice has feelings for you, you felt some sort of chemistry here perhaps, and you’re attracted to her because she’s beautiful and kind and just, well, great.”

  Wow, that was a lot of lovely things to say about me. Did he mean them? He thought I was beautiful and great? I didn’t have time to think about it though because he was continuing his rant. “And I guess you’ve had a little case of cold feet. But it’s not fair on Alice, and especially not Hannah, to even talk about this. So I suggest you go and get married. Assuming you still want to, of course.”

  “What the fuck has this got to do with you?” Ed said, his voice getting louder. I only hoped none of the other guests were within earshot.

  “I just care about Alice, that’s all.”

  “And I do too. And I love Hannah. There’s nothing going on.”

  “What about how you behaved after the lunch you two had? Hannah deserves better. So does Alice.”

  Ed looked about to square up to Toby and for a second, I thought Toby might hit him. But then Ed turned to me.

  “You told him?” he said, looking hurt.

  “Of course.”

  “I’m such an idiot,” Ed said, sighing and running his fingers through his hair. “Believe it or not, I do love Hannah. I just wanted to clear the air this morning and I went about it all the wrong way, just as I did the other day. I shouldn’t have ever said anything. I’m sorry. Really sorry. I shouldn’t have messed around with your feelings, Alice. I had no idea how you felt.”

  I looked at Toby, who still didn’t seem impressed.

  “It’s okay,” I said, trying to calm it all down and gently wiping my eyes. “Let’s just forget this whole thing happened.”

  “Thank you, Alice,” Ed said, putting a hand on my arm. “And Toby, I know you meant well. I am a nice guy. Honest.”

  “We’ll see,” Toby said.

  Ed nodded and moved back towards the hotel entrance.

  “I’ll see you guys later. Please try and enjoy the day.” He disappeared around the corner.

  I suddenly realised I was holding my breath.

  “You okay?” Toby said, his face full of concern.

  “I just … I told him. And I guess that gave me some sort of relief, as unfair as it was to Hannah. It helped.”

  Toby grinned. “Good, sounds like you’re on the road to recovery.”

  I gave a gentle laugh. “Not sure about that. I just told a man I loved him, ruined my make-up, and now I have to go play bridesmaid to his bride.”

  Toby pulled a tissue out of his pocked and handed it to me. “Your make-up isn’t too bad, go to the ladies’ and you’ll be able to fix it quick before everyone else comes down.”

  I doubted that very much, but I let him guide me to some toilets, out of the way from where people were milling around. I looked like Robbie Williams in the Kiss make-up. Except far less sexy, of course. Luckily, Gran had taught me to always carry wet wipes. And spare make-up. I sorted myself out, hoping no one could tell my eyes were a little red, and stepped back into the corridor, where Toby was waiting.

  “Much better,” he said, smiling. “Sure you’re okay?”

  “Yes. I’m sure. Thank you.”

  “No problem. You ready to go face the masses?”

  “I think so,” I said, straightening my dress and taking a very deep breath.

  “During the ceremony, just keep looking at me, okay? Focus on me.”

  “Okay. I will.”

  “You can do this. For Hannah’s sake, yeah?”

  “Yes.”

  “Right, ready?”

  “You look very handsome,” I said, taking him in. He was wearing a tux, and he looked hot in it. He grinned at me.

  “Come on, beautiful, let’s go watch them get marrie
d, and then get drunk and party.”

  He held out his hand, and I took it.

  Did he just say I was beautiful again?

  Hannah looked sensational in her ivory dress, with diamantes sewn into the figure-hugging bodice and a long train. Her red hair was pinned up, with curly tendrils falling by her ears, and a silver tiara resting neatly, twinkling as she entered the foyer with a big smile on her face.

  “Has anyone seen Ed this morning?” she asked her bridesmaids as she took her flowers from Sally.

  “I did,” I told her. “He’s fine. Looks very dashing.”

  “Good,” she grinned.

  “You ready?” Ruth asked her.

  “Yes, let’s do this!” she said, beaming. She linked her arm through Arthur’s, and for the first time since they announced their engagement, I realised this wasn’t about Ed. Or me. This was about Hannah, my oldest friend, getting married. I was going to be there for her on her big day, and set everything else aside. Including the fact that maybe her groom wasn’t good enough for her, as it turned out. But who was I to judge?

  We walked down the aisle. I took her flowers, and I watched her and Ed exchange vows. Ed didn’t look at me once, and I was grateful for it. I kept looking at Toby. All the guests were staring at Hannah and Ed, but not Toby or I. Toby was watching me, smiling, rolling his eyes when Molly’s poem went on a bit long, and winking at me when Hannah and Ed shared their first married kiss. I just kept looking at him, glad to be distracted.

  “I don’t know how I’d have got through all this without you,” I told him the minute I was back at his side.

  “It’s my pleasure. I’m glad I’ve helped.”

  He’d already got us a glass of champagne each. Everyone had wandered out to the lawn outside, where photos were being taken. I was in a lot of them, and the ones I wasn’t, I stood by Toby, holding hands, talking.

  It felt like a huge weight had been lifted; I watched Ed and Hannah together and I wasn’t sad, or regretful, or jealous. I was happy for them. I hoped for Hannah’s sake that Ed was one hundred per cent committed to the promise he’d just made, for her sake. I wasn’t over it just yet but I was getting there, slowly but surely.

  “This chicken is dry,” Toby said quietly to me later. We were sitting at a round table, with the other bridesmaids. Hannah and Ed were at a table with each of their parents either side. They were laughing and looked happy.