Unrequited Alice Read online

  I had a nap in the afternoon, but felt quite refreshed and ready to get with NYC time by dinner; just as well, as we were eating with Mike and Beth.

  They’d picked a Mexican restaurant, and were there before we arrived. Mike stood up with a big grin on his face and gave me a huge hug like we’d been friends for years.

  “And this is my Bethany,” he told me.

  She wasn’t how I’d imagined at all; all long floaty brown hair, an enormous smile, dark eyes and an eyebrow piercing. She gave me a brief hug.

  “It’s so nice to meet you. Welcome to New York!”

  “Thank you, it’s nice to meet you too.”

  “I’m looking forward to hearing about what antics these guys got up to in Niagara.”

  I laughed. “Nothing too wild,” I told her, “but they were pretty fun to hang out with.”

  “I bet.”

  I enjoyed my evening; Bethany was lovely, offering to take me shopping during my stay, Mike was funny as ever and he and Toby had us all laughing throughout the meal. Wine flowed, and I relaxed. Who cared about tomorrow, or next month, or next year? I was going to enjoy this trip, and live in the ‘here and now’ a bit more, just like Toby had told me to.

  It was only when Toby went to the bathroom that I felt a little on edge.

  “He really likes you,” Mike said, leaning in. “But go gentle on him. He’s a sensitive creature.”

  I nodded, wondering if he meant he liked me, or he really liked me, in a romantic way. Friend or girlfriend? I didn’t even know what I wanted the answer to be anymore.

  “Leave her alone, they’re just having fun!” Beth scolded him.

  I just smiled and took another big swig of wine. When Toby returned he sat beside me and squeezed my thigh, sending the butterflies swirling. I knew what Penny would say if she were here; she was my friend and she wouldn’t squeeze my thigh under the table. He was blurring the boundary again.

  After dinner, we had a few drinks in a bar and then said our goodnights.

  “I can’t wait to get to know you better,” Beth told me. She didn’t seem drunk at all. I’d always been known as being a lightweight. “You’ll have to come over to Long Island and we’ll go out together.”

  “I’d love that,” I told her.

  “Great to see you again,” Mike told me as we hugged.

  Toby took my hand and suggested we walk back, and I slipped mine into his comfortably.

  “I really liked them,” I told him. “Such a lovely couple.”

  “They’re the best.”

  “It’s such a beautiful night.”

  “Sure is. You make an awesome drunk, by the way.”

  I giggled. “I’m not drunk.”

  “If you say so.”

  We walked in silence, me taking in the skyscrapers. They looked even taller at night, somehow, like they almost reached the stars.

  As we stepped into the apartment, I flung my arms around Toby.

  “Amazing night, thank you so much.”

  “I’m glad you enjoyed it.”

  As I pulled away, I felt something; something sparked between us and for a second I hesitated, expecting him to kiss me. We looked into each other’s eyes, barely inches apart.

  “I’m sorry,” he said, suddenly pulling away.

  I wasn’t sure if I was relieved or disappointed.

  “No, no,” I said, smiling. “It’s fine.”

  “Alcohol, makes me flirty,” he said, laughing nervously.

  “Me too.”

  “But, like we said before, we cannot go there. Huge mistake.”

  Huh. Huge. Really? My head was swirling, but a little bit of me was curious, to see what it was like.

  “Yeah,” I said, not very convincingly. “Definitely a mistake.”

  “Sorry.”

  “No, no, it’s fine. You’re not attracted to me. We’re just friends.”

  I wish I didn’t sound so disappointed.

  “You’re incredibly attractive, Alice.”

  I froze, not sure what to say. “Don’t just say that to make me feel good, it’s fine.”

  “I’m not. You’re beautiful.”

  “Then…”

  “What?”

  “Why didn’t you kiss me?”

  “You know why.”

  “Don’t say stuff like that then, that I’m beautiful, if you don’t mean it, if you don’t want me.”

  “I do want you! You turn me on, big time, I’m being honest. See?”

  He grabbed my hand and thrust it to his trousers, where I felt his erection. I gasped, suddenly feeling sober and confused as ever about my feelings for him, and his feelings for me.

  “See, and that’s just from almost kissing you.”

  “Okay, okay I believe you,” I said, pulling my hand away. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to unzip his trousers, or run away to my bedroom.

  “Just … understand me. You’re too important.”

  “Important?”

  “We can’t ruin this, Alice. You’re my best friend. If we sleep together, everything will just be … awkward, and weird … and, well, shit.”

  I hesitated, the alcohol fuzz had faded, and suddenly I had a moment of clarity.

  “But what if it wasn’t? What if you and me … what if we were amazing?”

  He looked at me blankly, then his eyes fell and I instantly regretted what I’d said.

  “I’m in love with Donna, Alice. I would only hurt you. I keep telling you this.”

  “Right,” I said, nodding. I wanted to tell him that he had hurt me already, with those words, but I suddenly felt the need to get away, to stop making this worse, to get things back to how they were only an hour ago.

  “And you’re not even over Ed, not really. This would be a seriously bad idea.”

  I nodded, unconvinced but forcing a smile.

  “Come on, let’s hug it out.”

  The hug felt cold, awkward. Had we ruined it? Without even having sex? Just talking about it, about the possibility of us, could that ruin our friendship? Maybe I shouldn’t have come.

  I decided enough damage had been done, and pulled away without looking him in the eye.

  “Good night, Toby,” I told him, turning towards my room. “Thanks for a lovely evening.”

  “Alice? You okay?”

  “I’m great. Good night.”

  “Good night.”

  I got into bed quickly, feeling very sober, unsure whether I’d just made a huge mistake, hopeful that it’d all be forgotten in the morning. Just as I was falling asleep a light knock came on my door and my heart started beating faster. Had he changed his mind? Did I want him to? I was so confused.

  “Alice?”

  “Yes?”

  He opened the door and peeped his head in.

  “You want to come and snuggle?”

  I sat up.

  “What? Toby, you almost kiss me, you tell me I turn you on, then you tell me you just want to be my friend. Now you want me to get into your bed, as your friend?! Don’t you see how confusing this all is?”

  He sighed. “I know. I’m sorry. I just … I just really wanted one of your awesome cuddles.”

  I felt myself relax, and he smiled, and I couldn’t resist. I knew I was probably letting myself in for an even bigger fall than I had with Ed, but I got up out of bed, followed Toby into his room, and slipped under his duvet. I lay on my side and he cuddled me from behind.

  “Is this alright?” he whispered.

  “I’m not sure I’ve ever spooned with any other best friends I’ve had,” I admitted.

  “I know we are kind of more than friends, but not a couple. I know there’s a boundary we cross now and then … I’m sorry, I’m such a mess.”

  “I was a mess once, but I think you’ve helped me to get un-messed.”

  He chuckled. “You can go back to your own bed, if you’d be more comfortable.”

  I closed my eyes. “I’d rather stay here, if that’s okay with you.”

 
He squeezed me tight.

  Chapter Nineteen

  For the next few days, Toby and I walked all over Manhattan. Toby took me to his favourite places: restaurants, bars, a little bakery, unique little stores. We went to Ground Zero, we went out to the Statue of Liberty – which looked so small from Manhattan, but so large up close. I’d only ever seen it from the Staten Island ferry before now. We wandered around the Ellis Island Museum, and we went to the top of the Empire State Building. I still had Uncle Alan’s camera and took lots of photos wherever we went. I had mixed results, but I enjoyed taking them.

  Other than holding hands now and then, we were just like two normal friends, doing all the touristy stuff together. Most nights, we slept in the same bed. It became normal, somehow, to snuggle up – as if all friends did that.

  I didn’t talk about Ed; in fact, I didn’t even think about him or Hannah at all. Toby didn’t mention Donna either. All was calm.

  Until Billy called.

  “Hey, Billy,” I said casually. Toby looked up, but didn’t react. He was making pasta and sauce, and I was lounging on the sofa.

  “Hey, Alice, how’re you doing? Seen all the tourist sights now?”

  “Yes, it’s a very cool city.”

  “You’ve been before, though, right?”

  “Yes, just not for a long time.”

  “So I was going to ask you on that date, but Charlie insisted he wants to see you too. So how about we all go out together, and while we’re there, we can set a date for just us two?”

  “Sounds good,” I said, watching Toby. I could tell he was trying to listen.

  “Okay, I’ll text the group. Friday night. See you then.”

  “Great.”

  Toby seemed pleased when I told him about the conversation. I didn’t mention the future date that was yet to be arranged.

  Billy and Charlie lived in the same apartment building in Brooklyn; they suggested we all come over for takeout and then go drinking. I insisted to Toby that we walk the Brooklyn Bridge, so we left early, the sun setting as we crossed the bridge.

  “I’ve never done this before,” Toby admitted. “This is pretty cool.”

  I squeezed his hand and he turned me around to look back over Manhattan. The sun was getting lower in the sky and it cast a pale glow over the skyscrapers. I took a photo before we carried on.

  It was a fair walk from the bridge, but it was a warm evening and I realised I’d far rather be out walking on the street than in a cab or subway train.

  “Alice!” Charlie greeted me in much the same way Mike did. “It’s so good to see you, can’t believe you guys kept in touch.”

  “Good to see you too, Charlie.”

  “How’s … was it Sally?”

  I rolled my eyes and mock punched him in the arm. “Yes, Sally.”

  “I’m kidding, I’m kidding. That English babe rocked my world.”

  I laughed. “Well, last time I saw her, she was great.”

  “Good, good.”

  “Hey, beautiful,” said Billy, catching me off guard. I remembered again how cute I’d thought he was when we first met. I hugged him, too. Mike and Bethany joined us and we ate Chinese food, but they left again before we all headed out for drinks because they had a family get-together the following day. I was disappointed. It would have been nice to have another female with us.

  We sat in a booth, the music was loud and some people were dancing. Charlie started asking me about Hannah’s wedding and I told him all about the food, the music, the people, the speeches. I showed him some photos on my phone.

  “Sally was hot! Why didn’t I get her number?”

  “Sometimes it’s just a weekend fling,” I told him, shrugging.

  “You’re right!” he said, “Wise words. Another drink?”

  “Yes, please.”

  He got up and I noticed Toby wasn’t with us anymore. My eyes looked around, trying to work out where he was, but it was getting crowded and I couldn’t spot him. Billy was doing something on his phone beside me but when he saw Charlie get up, he put it down on the table in front of him.

  “So you and Toby, how’s it going staying with him?”

  “Still just friends, if that’s what you’re asking.”

  “And how’s it going, finding yourself?”

  “I don’t know yet. But I am taking time out. I’m in New York, having an amazing time. So… I’m not complaining. I’m living life one day at a time, not worrying about the future.”

  “What a great attitude. He taught you that?”

  I smiled. “Well … yeah.”

  “He’s good with that stuff. I told him he should be a life coach, or something.”

  “He would be so good at that,” I admitted. “He really motivates me.”

  “Me too. Always trying to get me to be a better person. He’s not like a guy-guy, you know? He talks about feelings. He’s incredibly sensitive.”

  “Yes,” I agreed, not listening that closely, still scanning the crowd, looking for Toby.

  “When I first met him, I thought he might be gay.”

  “Really?”

  I couldn’t see him anywhere.

  “Yeah, but then he had sex with our co-worker, Janice, and so I figured maybe not.”

  I laughed, despite the jealousy that rose up in me. He’d really never talked about other women, apart from the elusive Donna of course.

  “What was Janice like?”

  “Oh nice enough, but it was just a one-off thing. She moved to Maine not long after.”

  Well, I was glad he didn’t see her in the office every day. Then I wondered why I was glad. I downed the rest of my drink. Where was he?

  “Has he had many girlfriends?” I didn’t know if Billy knew about Donna.

  “He dates a lot, I mean a whole lot, but it never gets serious. As soon as a girl starts getting feelings for him, he dumps her.”

  I nodded, unsure if I wanted to know anymore.

  “Sorry, I shouldn’t be telling you all this,” Billy continued, as if reading my mind. “Tell me about what you’ve done in New York so far.”

  I stopped looking for Toby; he was a free man, who could date all the girls in New York if he wanted to. And it sounded like he had. He wanted me to have fun. He kept telling me to live in the moment. And right at this moment there was a cute guy next to me, and I was drunk.

  Charlie returned with our drinks. “Just seen Melissa, an old friend, be right back,” he said, before hurrying away again. I wondered what had happened to French Girl.

  “You want to dance?” Billy asked.

  Of course I wanted to dance. So we did. Then I spotted Toby. He was with a girl. I couldn’t see them very clearly. She was blonde. And he was kissing her! Or was he? I couldn’t tell for sure.

  I drank some more. I danced some more. Life was free, and easy, and Billy was cute and attentive. And before I knew it, he was kissing me.

  “You want another drink?” he asked me eventually.

  I hiccupped. “Better not,” I said. He grinned at me. “Let’s get you a seat,” he said, guiding me back to the others.

  Back in the booth, Toby and Charlie were chatting. I slid in next to Toby, and Billy sat on the other side, near Charlie. I wondered if Toby had seen us kissing. He didn’t say much.

  “I’m pretty tired,” I said, yawning. “You want to go home?”

  Toby nodded.

  “I’ll call you about that date,” Billy said in my ear, making me grin. He kissed me quickly on the mouth, patted Toby on the back, and then we left.

  Toby didn’t say a word on the street. He started walking away, out to another street, and I followed behind. I was swaying a little, and he took my hand, holding me tight, catching me when I almost stumbled off a curb. He hailed a cab, helped me into it and sat beside me, looking unhappy.

  “You okay?” I asked him.

  “Yep.”

  “I don’t think you are,” I said, leaning my head on his shoulder. He didn’t say anythi
ng, just let me lean on him as he stared straight ahead.

  I wanted to say something, to shout at him or make him admit he was jealous, but I was so, so tired. I closed my eyes. The next thing I knew, we were outside his apartment building and he was helping me into the elevator. He still didn’t say anything. But as soon as the apartment door was shut behind us, he unleashed.

  I had taken a few steps in, and was slipping my shoes off.

  “So, what the hell were you playing at with Billy?”

  I turned around to face him, thinking he might be joking, but realising immediately that he was genuinely pissed off. Which made me pissed off.

  “I was just following your advice!”

  “My advice?! I told you to be careful of him!”

  “What?”

  “He messes girls around, remember?”

  Oh, yeah.

  “You also told me to live in the moment and have some fun, I wasn’t going to fall in love and marry the guy.”

  “You don’t need a guy to have fun.”

  “You’re one to talk, anyway.”

  “Why?”

  “You mess girls around, do you not?”

  He shrugged. “I don’t intend to.”

  “Well, anyway, maybe I wanted him to mess about with me. Maybe I just need to get laid.”

  The alcohol was talking now. I’d never had a one-night stand, it wasn’t my thing. Too many extreme cleanliness issues. But that was the old me. Maybe the new me should be more reckless.

  “You were just going to sleep with him?” He looked disgusted. I’d never seen him so angry.

  “Maybe. Maybe it’s been a long time since a man made me feel sexy. Maybe I’ve had enough of only cuddles!”

  “Feel free to start sleeping in your own room, no one is forcing you.”

  “Fine.”

  “Fine.”

  I went into my room, slammed the door hard, and then remembered something and opened the door. He was in his room, and I flung the door open. He was standing by the bed, in only his boxers. I refused to let myself acknowledge how hot he was.

  “And another thing!” I said, raising my voice again. “You have the audacity to get like this with me, when I saw you in the club, kissing that girl!”