Unrequited Alice Read online

Me: Hey. Good day so far?

  Toby: Just been on my PlayStation and eating junk. A lazy one. You?

  Me: Helped Hannah with her favours. All the girls were there. Sally asked about Charlie. I didn’t mention the French girl.

  Toby: Probably a good idea. Figured you’d seen them, got FB friend requests from them all just a while ago. Did you see Ed?

  Me: Yes. It was hard :(

  Toby: You need to find someone else to think about. How about Ryan Reynolds? Just saw a commercial for his new movie. He looks like the sort of man most women would find hot.

  Me: Celebrity crush is a good idea. Ryan is cute … I’ll dream about him tonight. Thanks.

  Toby: Anytime. I’m going to dream about Kate Hudson tonight.

  Me: You’re my best friend.

  Toby: Night night, best friend x

  Me: Night night xx

  I went to bed and dreamt that I looked like Kate Hudson.

  Chapter Nine

  I was in the shop, marking down book prices for our closing down sale. I felt sad, but Toby had convinced me over a lot of telephone therapy sessions that this could be a good thing for me; sure I’d enjoyed working there, but life moved on and so must I. I didn’t want to live my whole life with only one experience of a real job. I didn’t want to live in Camden, though I loved it, my whole adult life either. I was free to go anywhere, do anything. It was scary but liberating.

  So far, I’d done zero research. I hadn’t even considered where I might work next. All I knew was I needed to figure it out soon or I’d not be able to make September’s rent without starving myself.

  I’d been contemplating Toby’s offer to go and stay in New York for a while. He kept mentioning it, insisting it’d be no trouble, that he’d enjoy having me there. I loved the idea but I was worried about what might happen between us. We’d become close friends; but I could remember being attracted to him when we were together. I had a feeling I might be rejected. I didn’t want to complicate my life anymore, I wanted it to be simple, easy, and peaceful.

  I’d thought about going off and traveling for a bit. The idea sounded good, but was it really me? I wasn’t the adventurous type. I liked a holiday as much as the next girl, but I needed a plan, some structure to my life. I just didn’t know where I’d find any inspiration for my next steps.

  I put a bunch of 99p labels on a series of horror novels, wondering what I’d do with all the stock that was left. I could return it, but maybe Yvonne would let me donate it to a charity shop. That seemed like a nice idea if she didn’t lose too much money.

  “Hello!”

  I heard his voice, but I wasn’t sure it was him. Was I hallucinating now?

  “Alice?”

  Oh crap, I was sure it was him.

  “Over here!” I called from behind some shelving.

  “Alice?”

  Ed’s face appeared. He was smiling; a warm, lovely smile. He was wearing jeans, a grey shirt and a casual jacket. His hair was a little messy from the light rain we’d had that day. He looked great.

  “Hi, Ed!” I said, smiling back.

  He leant in and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I’d never seen him without Hannah before, what was he doing in London? What did he want?

  “Everything alright?” I asked him.

  “Yeah, good. I’m in London to get Hannah’s wedding gift. I have to wait a few hours for it to be made, so thought I’d come to Camden for a wander about, see if you were free for lunch?”

  “You’ve left it a bit late, haven’t you, to get her present?”

  “Yeah, I know, I’m not very organised. A lot going on,” he smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes, and I thought about what Hannah had said about him having cold feet, and our moment in the car at the weekend.

  “So, lunch?”

  I heard Toby’s voice inside my head, telling me to say no, to make up an excuse, to run away from this potentially disastrous situation, but I couldn’t make myself do it. I knew I’d come away feeling horrible. I knew I’d regret it later, but like a drug I couldn’t refuse, I had to accept. I told him I’d have to wait for cover from my assistant, who was arriving at twelve, and to meet me at the pub on the corner.

  So off he toddled to wander about for twenty minutes while I went into a mild panic. I wrote out a text to Toby, then hesitated for a while before I sent it, knowing he’d tell me off, but also knowing he might not reply for a while as it was still early there.

  Morning Toby. Ed is in London, he came into the shop and asked if I wanted lunch. Just us. I know it’ll lead to pain and sadness and regret but how can I resist? I’ll let you know how it went. Have a great day. Alice x

  I felt my phone vibrate as I walked to the pub, glanced at the screen and saw Toby trying to call me. I didn’t care, I ignored him and went anyway.

  “What can I get you?” Ed asked as I joined him at a table at the back.

  “A small glass of white wine, if you don’t mind, thanks.”

  He went to the bar and returned with my wine, a beer, and two menus.

  “It’s really nice to see you, we don’t get to chat much these days. Whenever you visit Hannah has wedmin stuff to discuss.”

  “I know, it is nice,” I said, taking a large gulp of wine. My phone vibrated again.

  “Get that, if you need to.”

  “It’s nothing urgent,” I said, and then I turned it off.

  “I think I’ll have the mushroom ravioli.”

  “Me too,” I agreed. “Not many veggie choices.”

  Mushrooms or cheese pretty much summed it up for most restaurants; didn’t they think we ate anything else?

  “True. Never is. Have you always been a vegetarian? I don’t think we’ve ever talked about it much before.”

  “Since I was a teenager. How do you find it, living with Hannah eating meat?”

  “She’s quite tactful, it’s not too bad.”

  “What made you give up meat?”

  “I just love animals. I’d have a smallholding full of them if I could.”

  You see? You can’t not love a handsome man who loves animals? So sweet, so kind. So loveable. Ugh.

  A waitress came and took our orders and then we sat back with our drinks. I told him about the shop and he asked lots of questions about what I might do next, none of which I had answers to.

  “You’ll figure it out, you’re an imaginative person.”

  Was I?

  “Thanks.”

  The food arrived; it looked good and I picked up my fork.

  “Hannah can’t know we met,” Ed said before he started.

  “Oh?”

  “You understand?”

  “She’s … overly jealous?” What was there to hide?

  He chuckled.

  “Don’t be daft. She doesn’t know about her present, why I’m down here. She thinks I’m at work today.”

  “Oh, of course.”

  I felt embarrassed now.

  We ate a few mouthfuls and I watched him. All the feelings were still there, however much I’d repressed them. I couldn’t just let go because of some pep talks from Toby. He told me to focus on the present moment, well, the present moment found me right in front of Ed and he was all I could see. Hannah and even the rest of the pub faded away as I listened to him chatting about his world, wishing I was a bigger part of it.

  “So are you looking forward to the wedding?” I asked him.

  “Everyone asks me that,” he grimaced. “And I wonder sometimes what they’d say if I replied with a ‘No I’m not, actually, I’m scared. What if I don’t love her?’, what’d they say then?”

  I was a little taken aback.

  “Umm … don’t do it?!”

  He laughed. “Yeah, I guess they would.”

  “You’re joking, though, right?”

  He hesitated.

  “Can I be honest? I mean, I know your Hannah’s friend, but you’re my friend too, right?”

  Oh crap. Don’t test me like this, Ed. I want to be a
good person. I want to be a good friend. This isn’t fair.

  “Of course, go ahead.”

  “Sometimes I am a little worried. I mean, it just feels so final, you know?”

  “Surely it’s just the start. Marriage, kids, a whole future together? It’s not the end, it’s the beginning.”

  I was pretty sure I was saying the right thing, but he didn’t look up from his food.

  “I guess. I’m just not sure what I want right now.”

  “But you love her?”

  He looked at me, deep into my eyes, and didn’t answer. It felt like I’d gone into freefall.

  “I just … sometimes I think I have feelings for someone else. I’m attracted to someone else. Oh God, I can’t believe I said that out loud. Please don’t think badly of me.”

  Who? Who? Who?

  I held my breath.

  “I don’t think badly of you, Ed, I’m sure it’s natural to wonder about other people sometimes. That doesn’t mean you don’t love Hannah. It’s a big pond, with lots of fish. Just because you’ve chosen your fish, doesn’t mean you can’t admire other fish.”

  Oh dear, I really was talking utter shit now.

  He smiled. “But what if, what if another fish is the one I’m supposed to be with?”

  “You think there’s only one?”

  “You don’t?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

  He put his hand on mine.

  “Thanks for listening to me.”

  I removed my hand quickly.

  “If you don’t know, you should postpone the wedding,” I said, thinking of poor Hannah more than myself now. “It’s not fair on Hannah if you’re not committed.”

  “I just need to figure out some stuff. This other girl might not have the same feelings back.”

  “I think you have to work out your feelings for Hannah, regardless. If you don’t love her, then you shouldn’t get married, regardless of the other girl.”

  “I know … God I sound like a right twat, don’t I? And she’s your best friend.”

  “Oldest friend,” I corrected him. “I think Ruth and Sally are her best friends.”

  He didn’t reply.

  We continued eating in silence, but every time I looked up, he was watching me. I kept thinking of Hannah and wished I hadn’t come. For the first time in a long time, I couldn’t enjoy my food.

  He walked me back to the shop.

  “So what have you got Hannah?”

  “A necklace.”

  “Lovely. Custom made?”

  “Yes.”

  “Sounds like you love her to me.”

  “I do. I adore her. I just…”

  We were outside my shop and he moved closer to me, as if he were going to kiss me, and I had a decision to make; should I let this happen and follow what my heart had wanted for so, so long, or should I be the good friend, the decent human being, and push him away?

  I put a hand on his chest to stop him getting any closer.

  “You feel it too, don’t you?” he whispered.

  I took a deep breath.

  “Yes, but I can’t do this, Ed.”

  “You’ve been in my thoughts for a while, but ever since I heard about you and that guy from New York, I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

  “Ed, stop.”

  “It just hit me that you’re just so … amazing, and I hadn’t noticed.”

  “Ed, please.”

  I looked into his eyes, and suddenly I felt angry with him. I turned, opened the shop door, stepped through, and then locked it from the inside.

  “Please let me in,” he said through the glass.

  “I think you should go and pick up your future wife’s necklace,” I told him, turning away.

  “Alice, please, we need to talk.”

  “There’s nothing to say,” I said, leaning against the door, my back to him.

  “There’s plenty to say. There’s been lots to say for a long time and it’s about time we talked.”

  “Go home to your fiancée,” I told him, taking a big gulp to stop any tears falling.

  “Alice. Please.”

  I turned and looked at him, his face was sad, his eyes pleading, desperate.

  “You need to talk to Hannah,” I told him. “This shouldn’t have anything to do with me. Sort it out with her.”

  “I know you feel the same way.”

  “I would never hurt Hannah.”

  “We can’t help it, Alice.”

  “Please leave!” I said, almost shouting. My eyes welled up but I refused to let him see me upset, so I turned away again. I heard his footsteps retreat. I let a tear fall.

  “You okay?” Angela appeared, looking worried.

  “You alright to cover on your own for a bit longer?”

  She nodded. I unlocked the door again, then went through to the back room and sat at my desk. I leaned back and closed my eyes. Ed felt something for me. I should be happy, but all I felt was sad. Sad for Hannah. Sad that he hadn’t met me first. Sad that he was being such a cock.

  I pulled my phone out of my bag and turned it back on. Five missed calls from Toby. I called him back, but no answer. He’d probably be getting ready for work. I put my head back on my seat and closed my eyes, but all I could picture was Ed’s pleading face.

  My phone rang.

  “Toby?”

  “I’ve just arrived at work so I can’t talk long. What happened? You know you shouldn’t have gone. Are you okay? You sound upset?”

  I told him everything.

  “What an utter bastard.”

  “Maybe. But you know he can’t help how he feels, Toby. Don’t be hard on him, I could see the anguish in his face. It was hard for him.”

  “Oh yes, I’m sure it’s really hard having two women in love with you.”

  I gave a little sniff.

  “I guess he is a bit of a knob.”

  “If he had any respect for Hannah, or for you, he’d talk to her about his feelings first. End it with her before making any move to see if you liked him. He’s supposed to be getting married next week!”

  “I guess.”

  “If it were the other way around, if he were engaged to you, would you want him to treat you the way he’s just treated Hannah?”

  “Of course not, but people can’t help how they feel.”

  “Well, you did the right thing, I’m proud of you.”

  I smiled. “Thank you. It was hard.”

  “I bet.”

  “I’m not sure if I could’ve resisted if it weren’t for you. You’ve made me stronger.”

  “Well, good. But give yourself some credit. You’re a good person, and a good friend to Hannah.”

  I took a deep breath. “Do you think I should tell her?”

  “I don’t know, I don’t see how it’d do your friendship any good. Maybe no harm, no foul. Maybe he’ll realise the error of his ways.”

  “Yes.”

  Toby had to start work, and I had to get back to work, so we said our goodbyes and I pottered about the shop for a bit. I kept picturing Ed leaning towards me, about to kiss me and then I would force the maggots back into the picture to make him less attractive.

  As I was closing up the shop, I got a text.

  Alice, I’m so sorry about earlier. I’m such an idiot. I do love Hannah. I just got carried away, call it cold feet or whatever. I’ve always felt attracted to you and with the wedding coming up, it’s just made me wonder about what other options I have. I’m glad I wasn’t imagining it; that you felt it too. But I guess we must forget. Another life, yeah? I hope we can continue as before. Really, really sorry. Ed x

  I read it through a few times, and then deleted it without replying.

  Chapter Ten

  “What the hell?” Penny looked at me in amazement while I told her about Ed.

  “I know…”

  “Well, you handled it well, so good for you.”

  “I couldn’t do that to Hannah, if he’d broken up
with her for a long time that’d be one thing, but not when they’re together, about to get married.”

  “What a twat.”

  “People get confused, have mixed up feelings … I’m trying not to judge too much.”

  “You’re a more compassionate person than me.”

  “Maybe,” I shrugged. “I just know that when I was with Paul I had feelings for Ed. I couldn’t help that. It didn’t mean I didn’t care about Paul. I was upset when he dumped me.”

  “But you didn’t do anything about those feelings.”

  “No. Ed’s just got cold feet.”

  “So you’re not going to tell Hannah?”

  “Toby says I shouldn’t tell Hannah, that it’ll hurt our friendship, that it’s not my business.”

  “That’s such a guy thing to say. Female friendship is beyond all that bullshit, she deserves to know what sort of man she’s going to marry.”

  “What if he’s just confused, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her. Or that he’s going to cheat on her.”

  “Pfft.”

  “Seriously, Penny, I think he’s going to be okay. This is the first time he’s ever done anything like this.”

  “How do you know? What do you see in him anyway?”

  “Up until now, he’s been kind of perfect.”

  “Well take him off that pedestal, cos he ain’t worthy.”

  “Thanks, Penny.”

  “Now, tell me more about Toby, I can’t wait to meet him.”

  So I told her about Toby’s kindness to me, about our long chats, and how he helped me with Ed. It felt good to finally confide in a female friend about everything that had been going on.

  “It’s too bad he lives so far away,” she said, as if reading my mind. “He sounds great.”

  “Well, we’re just friends, so…”

  “I wish I had a one pound coin for every time you’d told me that.”

  “Me too.”

  I offered for Toby to come and stay with us when he arrived in the UK, as he didn’t seem too thrilled at the idea of staying at his parents’ house. Miranda was off holidaying in Tenerife and she said he could have her bed in exchange for a big bag of peanut butter M&M’s and some beef jerky. Toby said he was happy to oblige.

  I stood at the entrance to the underground station, waiting for him to arrive, wondering what it’d be like to see him in the flesh again. We’d talked almost every day for the past few weeks. I felt I knew him so well now, even more than the last time we’d been in the same room. I couldn’t quite picture all the little features of his face, or his mannerisms and smiles though. It’d be weird to be in the same space again.