Unrequited Alice Read online

  Penny and Miranda weren’t home when I got in. I paced around for a while, rang Gran and told her my news – she told me to come stay with her if I needed to, and then I made myself dinner, screw the diet, I was having egg and chips, and then I sat down to watch TV, while dunking my chips into the delicious golden yolk and unsuccessfully trying not to get any down the front of my top.

  In the space of twelve months, I’d managed to lose my boyfriend, fall even more in love with my best friend’s fiancé, get a crush (just a tiny one, but I admit it) on a guy who lived on the other side of the Atlantic, and now lose my job. Wonderful.

  Talking of my latest crush, my phone beeped. It was Toby.

  How was your day? Free to chat?

  I turned off the TV and called him on Skype.

  “It’s not as if I expected the shop to stay open forever,” I told him after explaining what’d happened, “I should’ve seen this coming.”

  “I’m sorry, Alice, this sucks. I know you love that job. But you know, it could be the best thing that ever happened to you.”

  “I don’t see how.”

  “This will force you out of your comfort zone. Make you try something new, that’s got to be a good thing.”

  “I guess.” I sighed. “Tell me about your day.”

  “It was good, I worked at home waiting for a delivery. New TV.”

  “How is it?”

  “Big.”

  “Show me.”

  He turned the camera on and I grinned as I saw his face.

  “Hey you.”

  “Hey back,” he said. He turned the camera towards his new TV.

  “It’s not too big,” I told him. “I like the room.”

  It was a guy’s place, no doubt about it. Black leather sofas, big TV, video game console, shelves full of DVDs. Magazines, paper and cups strewn across the place. Next I got a view of his feet. He had Spiderman socks on.

  “Nice socks.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Tell me something, anything, so I don’t have to think about my job.”

  “I had lunch with Mike. He told me to tell you hi.”

  “Ah, Mike’s so nice, he’s great.”

  “Yeah, he’s a good mate.”

  “Have you seen the others?”

  “No. I’m sure Billy will send his best when I speak to him.”

  “Well, that’s nice.”

  “I’m teasing you, I know you weren’t into him, in the end.”

  “Yeah, well…”

  “So, enough avoiding, what’s your plan?”

  “I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

  “Yes you do. You’ll find another job.”

  “Doing what? I don’t want to work for a big chain retailer.”

  “Do something different, what are you passionate about?”

  “Books,” I said. “I can’t think of much else.”

  “Write a book?”

  “Nah, I was never into writing.”

  “Become an editor?”

  “Maybe.”

  “You could work at another book store, surely you’d get a managerial position.”

  “Like I said, I don’t want to work at a big chain. All the independents are closing.”

  “Learn something new then, it’s never too late.”

  “I can’t afford that.”

  “Worth it if you find something new and exciting.”

  “And what about my rent? I can barely afford to live in Camden as it is. I’ve got my severance pay coming, but I don’t want to waste it.”

  “Go back to your Gran’s?”

  “She lives with my uncle nowadays. She’d be happy to have me, but they don’t really have the room.”

  “Go travelling. See some of those places on the bucket list.”

  “My money won’t take me that far.”

  “Come out here, stay with me for a bit.”

  I laughed.

  “I’m serious. Get some space after the wedding, forget about Ed. Forget about working, see your aunt. Find yourself. Take a few months off.”

  “I’m sure you don’t want me around,” I said, already tempted to book my flight. How much would that cost?

  “Are you kidding? I’d love it. You could have my spare room-cum-office, it’s small but big enough for a bed and your stuff. Rent free.”

  “That’s really nice. I’ll think about it. Thank you.”

  “Well, the offer is there. I mean it.”

  “Thank you. I’d still need a plan though.”

  “New York is a great place to make a new life plan. Get some distance from your old life and decide what you want to do.”

  “I thought of something else I’m passionate about!”

  “What?”

  “Food. I do enjoy cooking. I just always thought it’d be too difficult to be a chef; it looks so pressured on TV, and it’s unsociable hours.”

  “You could run a catering company; work your own hours.”

  “I don’t think I’m good enough.”

  “You’re certainly not good at having faith in yourself.”

  “Hmm, well I suppose that’s true.”

  “Just think about it. Taking some time out, I mean.”

  “I will. Look, I’d better go. Enjoy your evening.”

  “You too.”

  “Bye, Toby.”

  “Alice?”

  “Yes?”

  “Call me whenever you need a friend, okay?”

  “Okay, thank you.”

  “And remember, life is what you make it. How you react to being unemployed will make a huge difference as to how this all turns out. Be positive.”

  “I will.”

  And I meant it too, he was so good at making me feel better.

  We talked for a while longer then, chatting idly about his job, and my lack of job, and Penny and Miranda, and Mike, Charlie, and Billy. We avoided Hannah and Ed. And his brother and his fiancé. We were pretty darn good at helping each other forget and avoid painful things.

  Afterwards, I googled flights to New York. Hmm. Even more money than I thought. Plus, I could never let him allow me to stay rent-free, it must cost a lot to live in Manhattan. And I’d need to feed myself, and I’d need to get a job pretty sharp. So much to get my head around.

  I glanced at my handbag and pictured my credit card inside it. I rarely used it; I could probably live off it for a while.

  I pictured my mother telling me this was a bad idea. Worst ever. Not very sensible at all. Forget it.

  I slammed my laptop lid closed and wished for the hundredth time that Toby lived nearer.

  Chapter Eight

  It was one week before the wedding. I stood on Hannah’s front door step and hesitated. Every time I thought I was getting over Ed, I’d see him again and be right back where I started. I didn’t want to put myself through the torment anymore, yet I had no choice. I had to be there for Hannah. I stared at their pale blue door and raised my hand. Deep breath, and press the doorbell.

  “Hey!” Hannah said, grinning and wrapping me into a comforting hug.

  “Hi bride-to-be,” I said, trying to summon the necessary enthusiasm. “How’re you feeling?”

  “Great. Nervous, but great,” she said, pulling away and leading me through to the kitchen.

  “Ed not here?” I asked, my eyes darting around for him, my ears listening out for his movement.

  “No,” she said, flicking the kettle on.

  Phew. I sent silent thanks to the angels watching over me. Maybe they were the same angels who sent me Toby. Not that I believed in angels. Then I thought of my mother and realised that maybe I did.

  “He’s out for his final suit-fitting with the other guys,” Hannah continued, bringing me back to Earth. “Tea or coffee?”

  “Tea, please.”

  I loved their house, it was a three bed semi with a neat little garden which Hannah loved pottering about in. They’d decorated it in pastel colours; pale blues, pinks and yellows, with white furni
ture and lots of plants. It was a relaxing place to be. That was, if you weren’t in unrequited love with one of the residents.

  Suffice to say, I was relieved Ed wasn’t home.

  “I bet they’ll all look really handsome,” I told her. “Any cute ushers I don’t already know?”

  “Not really, and none of them are good enough for you.”

  “Shame.”

  “Anyway, what’s happening with Toby?”

  “We’re just friends.”

  “But he’s coming to the wedding with you, as your date?”

  “As my friend. It’s just nice to have someone with me.”

  “I guess I’m lucky I never experienced that, I’ve never really been single.”

  “No, not really.”

  “Sometimes I wonder if I missed out, you know? On the whole dating scene.”

  “It’s way overrated,” I told her. “You’re better off.”

  She smiled as she placed a white mug full of hot tea down in front of me.

  “Here you go.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Ed seems distracted lately. It worries me.” She sat down on the opposite side of the table, chewing her lip and winding her red hair around her index finger.

  “How do you mean? You think he’s got cold feet?”

  I hoped I didn’t sound too optimistic. What a bitch I was.

  “Maybe. Ruth and Sally say it’s perfectly normal.”

  “I’m sure it is,” I said, waving my hand as if to dismiss it. “Don’t worry.”

  “I’ve been trying not to. I just don’t want him to go through with it unless he’s totally sure, and completely committed.”

  “I’m sure he’s very committed, maybe he’s just busy at work, or something.”

  “I hope so. Anyway, tell me more about Toby.”

  “There’s nothing to tell, we’re just friends!”

  “Okay, okay, if you say so!”

  The doorbell rang.

  An hour later Ruth, Sally, Molly, Hannah and I were making up wedding favours in a production line. We had 120 tiny boxes to put together, fill with chocolates, and tie a gold ribbon around. Luckily, Ruth had bought some cakes to keep us all going.

  I was munching on an exceedingly good bakewell tart, and Hannah was talking about the speeches. The best man was Ed’s friend Matt, who was quite funny the few times I’d met him. I was looking forward to hearing what he had to say. Ed’s speech … not so much. I knew he loved Hannah, I didn’t need to hear him declare it publicly. I shook the thought from my head; of course it was wonderful he loved Hannah, and of course he should make an epic speech. I needed to stop this and control my thoughts like Toby taught me.

  “So I hear you and Toby are still in touch?” Sally asked me. I should’ve known Hannah would tell them; she told Sally and Ruth everything.

  “Oh wow, really?” Molly put down her ribbon to look at me.

  “Yes,” I admitted. “We talk every day, but we’re just friends.”

  “I saw you two being friendly, but I didn’t realise you were that close.” Sally seemed annoyed; maybe because Charlie hadn’t kept in touch with her.

  “Well, we were. Close I mean. Just as friends. We even shared a bed the last two nights.” They all giggled. “Nothing sexy. Just friends.”

  “Sure,” Ruth said, grinning. “I share a bed with my male friends and talk to them every day, too.”

  “I thought it was Billy she liked,” Sally said, as if I wasn’t in the room.

  “Me too at first, but Mike told me he thought Toby liked her,” Hannah said, winking.

  “Just friends,” I said again.

  “I tried with Billy,” Ruth admitted. “Didn’t seem interested.”

  I smiled at her; I felt a bit bad about Billy – I’d led him on that first night, then practically ignored him the rest of the weekend.

  “Hey, ladies!” Ed’s voice came from the hallway. I took a deep breath.

  “In the kitchen!” Molly called. She got up and went out to hug her brother. A few seconds later, he swooped in, kissing his bride-to-be, and smiling down on all of us. For frick’s sake, his smile was just too lovely.

  “How’s it going?” he asked. “Can I help?”

  Molly handed him a bunch of stuff and he sat down next to her. I kept my eyes on the job at hand.

  “Did you hear about Alice and Toby?” Molly asked him.

  I felt his eyes on me. “No?”

  “He’s just a friend,” I said. I’d said it so many times in short succession now, that I was even boring myself.

  “They met in Niagara,” Hannah told him. “And they’ve kept in touch. And he’s coming as her date to our wedding.”

  “Wow. About time you met someone new, Alice,” Ed said, smiling.

  I smiled back. “He’s just a friend,” I insisted yet again.

  “A very handsome friend,” Ruth chimed in.

  “Who she spent a night with in Canada,” Sally added, winking.

  I shrugged and looked at Ed.

  “Good for you,” he said, looking away.

  “Has he mentioned Charlie? How’s he doing?” Sally asked.

  Charlie was now dating a French girl in her early twenties, but I thought it best not to mention this.

  “Charlie is great,” I told her. It wasn’t a lie, he was presumably loving all the young lustful fun.

  “Toby suggested Alice go stay with him for a few months, get a break before finding a new job,” Hannah told everyone.

  “In Canada?” Ed asked. Was I imagining an uncomfortable look on his face? Yes, of course it was just my imagination.

  “He lives in New York,” I told him. “I could visit my family there. Take a long holiday.”

  “You could find work there,” Hannah said. “You’ve got dual citizenship, right?”

  “Yeah,” I nodded. “I’ve got a US passport.”

  There ensued lots of questions, comments, and sympathy from the other girls about my dad. Ed kept quiet. I tried not to look at him.

  “I’d better get going,” I said after all the boxes were done.

  “I’ll drive you to the station,” Ed said, getting up.

  “I don’t mind doing it,” Hannah told him.

  “No, it’s fine, you girls go and sit in the garden.”

  I gave Hannah and the others each a hug and said my goodbye’s. I could’ve stayed later but I was tired and had an hour’s journey to get home.

  I got into Ed’s car and put my seatbelt on.

  “So this Toby, he and you have become good mates, huh?” Ed said as he started the engine.

  “Yeah, he’s nice.”

  “Seems a bit odd, though.”

  We were pulling out of the drive now. I shifted in my seat to face him better.

  “Odd?”

  “It’s not often that a man makes effort to be friends with a woman, unless he wants to sleep with her.”

  “Well,” I started but wasn’t sure how to reply. Then I knew. “You and I are friends and you don’t want to sleep with me.”

  He grinned and glanced at me.

  “I’m with Hannah.”

  “I do know that.”

  “I mean, I’m friends with you because you’re friends with Hannah.”

  “And if you and Hannah weren’t together, we could never be friends?”

  He considered this for a moment.

  “No, I think we could actually.”

  “Well then.”

  “But then I’d sleep with you and it’d ruin everything.”

  I gasped. He laughed.

  I liked this. A little too much. I tried hard not to smile.

  “Well,” I countered, “maybe I wouldn’t sleep with you.”

  We were getting into dangerous territory, yet somehow I couldn’t stop myself.

  “I don’t know; I can be pretty charming.”

  “How arrogant of you.”

  He laughed. Were we really having this conversation? He pulled up outside the
station and turned to look at me.

  “Thanks for the lift,” I said, not moving.

  “You’re welcome,” he said, smiling. “I just want to say…”

  “Yes?”

  “Nah,” he said, shaking his head and looking away. “It doesn’t matter.”

  “What?”

  “You’d better get your train.” His voice was firm.

  “Fine.”

  I picked up my bag. “Thanks again for the lift.”

  “Alice,” he said, grabbing my arm as I started to open the passenger door.

  “Yes?”

  My heart was beating faster, my arm tense where his warm hand held it tightly.

  “I’m not just friends with you because of Hannah.”

  I nodded and stared at him for a moment. He wasn’t smiling, just looking at me intently.

  “I like you, Alice.”

  “I like you too, Ed.”

  He didn’t let go of my arm. I didn’t want to be the first to look away, but Hannah’s face popped into my mind and I pushed the door open. I made myself get out of the car.

  “See you at the wedding,” I said, forcing a smile.

  “Yeah,” he said, looking at the steering wheel. “Have a good journey back.”

  I closed the door, and I walked into the station without looking back. I got on the train. I found a seat. I stared out of the window at the passing fields, the houses, the sheep, the train flying past them all, while all I could think about was the way Ed had looked at me. There was something there. Had he all of a sudden realised it himself?

  Even if he thought of me in that way, I could never, ever do that to Hannah. And it wasn’t exactly gentleman-like behaviour, was it? Did I even want a man like that? Maybe he couldn’t help it, the softer side of me whispered. Maybe he should be talking to Hannah if he has doubts, not flirting with you, the more sensible side shouted back.

  I pulled out my phone to message Toby, but I had hardly any battery. I tried to imagine what he would say. He’d tell me to ignore it. That Hannah loved Ed. That Ed loved Hannah. That I’d created this situation, that I must be vigilant, and control my thoughts and feelings.

  By the time I was home and my phone was on charge, I didn’t even feel the need to tell Toby what had passed, or what I’d imagined had passed. I got into my pyjamas and texted him anyway, just to check in.