Unrequited Alice Read online

  “Are they in Cambridge?”

  “Mum is, she lives with her husband Glenn. Dad is in France. I haven’t spoken to him in over a year. He wasn’t around much.”

  “Well, as I told my friend Penny, who is always fighting with her family, better bad parents than no parents. Call them.”

  “I will,” he said. “Now, are you finished? You want some lunch?”

  “Yes.”

  We ate delicious ravioli in a restaurant not far from our hotel. I watched him reading the menu, talking to the waitress, playing with the salt shaker, talking about his job and his apartment, and I wondered why this girl didn’t love him back. She must have been mad.

  He had large, strong-looking hands, those lovely soft grey eyes, and an infectious smile. He took a real interest in my answers as he asked me questions about my life back home, and told me anecdotes from his own life. I kept reminding myself that our two worlds were thousands of miles apart and this was only temporary.

  “I noticed you haven’t eaten any meat this whole time,” he said, as we left the restaurant.

  “Veggie,” I told him, putting my hand back into his.

  “There’s still so much to learn about you,” he said, turning to walk towards our hotel.

  “And less than twenty-four hours to go,” I told him, giving him a sad smile. He didn’t look at me and we continued to walk back in silence, reality facing us again, reminding us that this was almost over.

  Back at the hotel, we got a coffee and a cupcake each, and sat in comfortable leather armchairs in the lobby, facing out towards the falls.

  I didn’t know if there could possibly be a future for us as anything more than friends, but I was disappointed not to find out. I wanted to try and keep in touch, at the very least.

  “So, back home tomorrow…” I said once we were settled in our seats.

  “Yes. You flying from Buffalo?”

  “Toronto.”

  He nodded.

  “Do you see your family very often?”

  I saw a hint of something uncomfortable pass over his face.

  “Not really. But this year I will twice, I’m going over soon for Mum’s birthday, and my brother is getting married later this year.”

  “Nice.”

  He shrugged. “We’re not that close. But I really should keep in touch better with my parents, like you said. I’m going to call Mum when I get home.”

  “Good. Do it.”

  “So how old were you when your Mum died?”

  “I was four years old,” I told him. “It was Dad too. Car accident. I don’t remember them well.”

  “How sad, I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be, it’s fine.”

  People always said that, that they were sorry. I appreciated the words, but I didn’t need their sympathy. I never wanted to be that poor orphan girl when I was a kid, and even less so as an adult.

  “So who bought you up?”

  “My Gran. Mum’s side.”

  “I’m sorry Alice, that must’ve been tough for you.”

  “No, it was fine. Gran was amazing.”

  He smiled at me and squeezed my hand.

  “I was lucky really. She took me in and we had a great time as I grew up. I only have a few faint memories of my parents, sad though that is.”

  “Tell me what you do remember.”

  “I remember Mum smiling at me. She had similar hair to mine and she used to let me comb it. And Dad was always laughing. I remember him carrying me through a busy airport lounge. But that’s about it.”

  “At least you remember something.”

  “My dad was American,” I told him. “I was born in California, and I’ve got an American passport. I used to go over every year to stay with his sister in New York.”

  He nodded. “Staten Island, I remember you mentioning it. That’s nice.”

  “I used to wish I’d gone to live with her, instead of Gran. I feel bad about it now, but it just seemed more exciting.”

  “It’s not too late. To move, I mean.”

  I shrugged. “Maybe. I don’t know, it’d be a big decision.”

  He nodded and looked back at the falls. I sipped my coffee.

  “So should we exchange numbers, or email, or be friends on Facebook or something?” I asked him. “I mean, it’d be nice to keep in touch.”

  “I keep thinking about that,” he said, smiling at me, “but what if this weekend was perfect and that’s all it is? Why pretend we’ll email and call, when we get back to our busy lives?”

  I felt myself deflate.

  I nodded. “Yes, I guess you’re right.”

  “Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that we’re so far apart. What’s the point?”

  “You’re right.” I nodded again, unsure if he really was right.

  An awkward silence descended. I was just about to make a stupid joke to lighten the mood when I heard Mike’s booming voice in the lobby. The others were back.

  “We had an amazing time!” Hannah said, telling me all about her day.

  They were all buzzing, talking about harnesses and zip wires, and screaming with laughter. I was glad they’d had fun. Everyone agreed to go get freshened up, and then we’d go out for dinner. As I got ready, I felt like I was in a dream, going through the motions; clean dress, make-up, heels. Meeting the others in the lobby. The past few days had been so real, so open, and yet now everything felt surreal. This would all be a distant memory pretty soon and the nicest guy, and maybe the nicest friend I’d made in a long time, didn’t even want to keep in touch with me.

  Dinner was at a Mexican restaurant. I went in quickly, and sat between Mike and Billy, chatting to them both, laughing, drinking tequila. I hadn’t drunk this much on consecutive days for years, and I was pretty sure my liver would make me suffer on our flight home, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to feel that high, that invincible bubble surrounding me, laughing with the others, forgetting Toby was there. Forgetting that I’d see Ed again when I got home. Forgetting he was about to get married. To Hannah.

  Hannah! It was about time I made some effort, so at the bar we went to next, I chatted to her like in the old days; laughing, doing shots, reminiscing about the fun we’d had over the years. I kept telling her how happy I was that she was getting married. She kept hugging me and thanking me for a wonderful weekend away.

  Next, we finally made it to a casino. By this point, I was rather tipsy, very tired, and quite happy to just watch as my friends – new and old – had fun. I took on the job of crossing my fingers for a big win. None came, but they all seemed to have fun anyhow. I stayed close by Hannah’s side, supplying her with fresh cocktails as soon as she ran out.

  It was only on the walk back, that I got stuck next to Toby.

  “Haven’t had chance to talk to you much tonight,” he said, not offering his hand as he had done previously.

  “I thought it was about time I chatted to Hannah, so I spent some quality time with her,” I told him.

  “I saw that, it was nice.”

  “Yes.”

  “And you sat with Billy in the restaurant.”

  “You jealous?”

  “No!”

  “I sat with Mike, too.”

  “I thought maybe you had a thing for Billy, you flirted with him that first night.”

  “Seriously? You kissed me outside my room, but you don’t have a thing for me, do you?”

  He didn’t answer, and Charlie soon swept us up into another conversation.

  We walked through the hotel, and I suddenly felt like I wanted to cry. This was the last time I’d get to talk to Toby properly, and it’d been ruined. We both kept quiet as we waited for the elevator, the others all laughing and joking about the evening and weekend in general. We all got in, and Sally took a photo of us all in the mirror. I put on a fake smile.

  They all got out, and then the doors closed and it was just us again.

  “I’m sorry about what I said, a
bout not keeping in touch,” he said as soon as the elevator started to move again.

  “It’s fine, you’re right.”

  “I am?”

  “Yes, I mean, what’s the point? I’ve got plenty of friends, I don’t need another.”

  “Come on, Alice. Don’t be like that.”

  “It’s fine.”

  “Sure it is.”

  The doors pinged and opened again, and I set off down the corridor as fast as I could. He kept up with me and when I got to my door he grabbed my arm and spun me around.

  “I like you Alice, but tomorrow we’re going to be a long way away from each other, so what do you want from me? It’d never work; we couldn’t do it.”

  “Okay,” I said, turning away and putting the card into my door. “Goodnight, Toby.”

  “Alice, come on. Don’t leave it like this.”

  I didn’t know what else to say, so I opened and then tried to shut my door, but he put his arm in the way.

  “Can I come in?”

  I walked away, leaving him to follow me. I closed the curtains and flopped down on the bed.

  “Can’t we talk?”

  “And say what? You’re right, it’d never work.”

  “Even Charlie and Sally have agreed not to swap numbers,” he told me.

  “How can you compare us to them? They’ve been shagging since we got here.”

  “And what exactly have we been doing then? Just talking!”

  “But proper talking! As in, in the space of a few days it’s like you’ve become my best friend!”

  “And you’re mad at me because of that?”

  “Yes!”

  “Why?”

  “Because … because so many times I thought you might kiss me. But you didn’t. Because I thought you’d want to keep in touch. But you don’t.”

  “Are you even attracted to me? Or am I just a distraction from your fucked up feelings for Ed?”

  I couldn’t answer that, I had no idea myself. I sighed. “I think we are done with all the talking.”

  I glared at him and he glared right back. If we were done talking, what were we going to do? I didn’t want him to leave, despite what I’d said.

  “We still have tonight,” he said eventually. “We could talk about something else.”

  “Like what?”

  “Like, do you have any pets?”

  I couldn’t help but laugh. The tension that had been building all evening left me, and I relaxed again.

  “Fine.” I sat up against the headrest and he joined me like we had done the night before. “I don’t have any pets, just two annoying housemates I told you about, who I love and hate at the same time.”

  “I have fish,” he told me. “Goldfish. I find it quite relaxing to watch them.”

  “I like fish too. I’d like a cat. I love cats.”

  “Can I be honest? I hate cats.”

  “What?” I said, nudging him. “How can you? They’re so cute.”

  “They just make me shiver.”

  “You’re scared of tiny little furry cute cats?”

  “Not cute, scary.”

  I laughed.

  “What about dogs?”

  “I’d love a dog.”

  “Me too. I’d like a big fluffy one, and I’d call him Barlow. After Gary Barlow.”

  “Oh jeez.”

  I laughed. I was serious though, I’d given dog names a lot of thought.

  “I’m pretty tired,” I told him. “All these late nights and early mornings.”

  “Me too.”

  “You want to stay? I mean, like last night?”

  “Only if you want me to.”

  “Of course I do.”

  I picked up my nightdress and took it into the bathroom. “I’ll be right back.”

  I stared at my face in the mirror as I brushed my teeth and wondered what I was doing. Over the past few weeks the reality of the wedding had hit me and I felt raw, physical pain whenever I thought about Hannah and Ed getting married. How could it be, that a man I was so utterly convinced was the one for me, could not see the same thing? Could be marrying someone else… Why couldn’t I have fallen in love with someone else, anyone else? Did the universe have it in for me? A sorrow I had never known had descended, sending me into a spiral of negativity.

  Yet since I’d arrived here, I’d thought of him less and less. I knew I had feelings for Toby; he was so sweet and we got on so well. It was like he knew me; he could anticipate my feelings and he looked out for me. In a short space of time, I had somehow bonded with him better than maybe anyone else I’d ever met. But he lived in New York. And he, too, had feelings for some other woman. I sure did know how to pick them.

  And now he was staying in my bed, and I so wanted to go out there and kiss him and pull all his clothes off, and find a way to make this friendship blossom into a wonderful romance, but the sensible part of me knew that it’d never work long-distance. And if I had sex with him tonight, it’d just make tomorrow all the harder when we had to say goodbye.

  I went back to the bed and he was sitting up, t-shirt and boxers on, remote in hand looking at the television, flicking through the channels. He smiled at me as I dumped my clothes and got into the bed beside him. I put my head on his chest, my arm around his torso and he stroked my hair.

  “You’re a snuggler, huh?”

  “Yep.”

  “That’s cute. Too bad you live in London.”

  “Too bad you live in New York.”

  Oh, who cared about tomorrow? I really wanted to slip my hand under the duvet, make a move, and just have one night of passion with this lovely, lovely man.

  But it was too complicated. I didn’t really know how I felt about him. I did know I still loved Ed, I couldn’t just switch it off, just like that. It suddenly felt like such a mess, and too complicated for me to think about anymore.

  And I was so, so tired. I felt my eyes closing.

  Chapter Six

  When I opened my eyes the next morning, I was still on Toby’s chest. He was snoring lightly and I slowly eased out of his arms and went in the shower. I got dressed in the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror. Something had changed in me, since I arrived, since talking to Toby. I wasn’t sure what, but I was pretty sure it was for the better.

  “Morning,” Toby said as I came out of the bathroom.

  “Hey.”

  “Just going next door to get ready.”

  I nodded.

  “We might not be alone again,” he said, “so I just want to say that this has been really nice.”

  “Nice?”

  “Better than nice, it’s been lovely.”

  “It has been lovely. You’ve helped me a lot. So thank you.”

  We shared a quick but awkward hug.

  “See you at breakfast?”

  “Sure.”

  He left, and I packed up my things, unsure if I was doing the right thing by letting him go without any details. Then I thought about the long-distance calls, the thousands of miles between us, the impossibility of a long-distance relationship, and figured this was crazy. I had to take this weekend for what it was; just one weekend. One amazing weekend. And move on.

  The guys had to get to the airport early so everyone was up and downstairs to eat when I got there. I couldn’t face chatting to Toby after our awkward hug, so I sat next to Mike, who was chirpy and funny as ever. We all said our goodbyes in the lobby, Sally and Charlie sharing an extra-long kiss but no signs of sadness; they both seemed to accept this was just a weekend fling. I needed to do the same with Toby.

  Billy held his arms open and I hugged him.

  “Shame I didn’t get to know you better,” he said in my ear and I couldn’t help but smile at the attention.

  “Maybe next time,” I said, laughing, knowing I’d never see him again. Mike and Charlie also hugged me. Then I turned to Toby.

  “I’m so glad I met you,” he whispered as I held him tight.

  “Me too,” I tol
d him. I meant it too. But this was agonizing; letting him go. Ending it before we’d even had a proper chance to start things. I’d miss him so much. I couldn’t look him in the eyes as he pulled away.

  “Right, we’d better pack up and get ourselves ready too!” I told the girls, forcing a smile. We all went back to our rooms.

  I felt sad looking out at the falls for the last time. Had we really only been here for four nights? It felt like longer. I thought about seeing Ed. Surely he’d be there to collect Hannah at the airport, and I felt a little sick. I had to remember what Toby had said about controlling my thoughts and feelings. Happiness is a choice, he’d said. It sounded logical… Surely I could do this.

  I imagined what my mum would say. Usually during our fake conversations she’d agree with me about how sad the whole situation was, how right Ed was for me. Today she told me I had to move on and that there were many, many other men out there I could fall in love with. As Toby had shown me.

  Progress. I was quite proud of myself and wondered what Toby would say. Then I realised I couldn’t tell him. I wouldn’t be able to speak to him, ever again. A sadness fell over me and I wished I’d insisted on swapping numbers with him.

  At the airport, the other girls wanted to do some shopping, and I offered to stay with our carry-on bags while they went off to get their retail therapy fix. I was flipping through a magazine, but not reading it. I wondered what Toby was doing now. Had he thought much about me since we’d parted? Was he back in his apartment by now? Was he thinking about this Mystery Girl? When would he see her next? Why didn’t she want him? She must be totally mad. Or a lesbian. I couldn’t think of any other reason. He was so sweet, affectionate, caring. And gorgeous. What more did this stupid woman need? How could she have hurt him so badly?

  The flight back to London was a little subdued for us all, everyone was tired and weary and keen to get back to their own beds. I was relieved to hear that Ed was not collecting Hannah; Ruth’s brother was giving them all a lift back, so I didn’t see him and I was grateful for it.

  When I got home I gave Penny and Miranda a tired update of events, accompanied by their ‘oohs’ and ‘aahs’ and sad glances at each other when I told them about missing Toby already.

  Then I went and lay on my bed. All I could think about was Toby. I kept picturing his sexy smile. The way he looked at me so intently. The way he’d come so close to kissing me a couple of times. Why hadn’t I got any of his details? We could’ve kept in touch. Facebook friends, at the very least.