Unrequited Alice Read online

  “Drink?” he shouted at me after a while. I nodded. He took my hand and we made our way to the bar.

  “I’m having such a great night!” he said in my ear as I sipped my cocktail. I hadn’t been quite this drunk for a while. I felt invincible.

  “I really like you,” I told him.

  He nodded. “I really like you too.”

  “Wanna dance some more?”

  “Yes!” I downed my drink and he led me to the dance floor again.

  We found the others and I grabbed Hannah’s hand and we danced together. I didn’t care anymore that she was marrying Ed. It was just us, the same two girls who had played with Barbie dolls together. The girl who had seen me through puberty; through my first drunken encounter with a bottle of cider at the park near our school; had watched me have my first real kiss during a game of spin the bottle. She’d been there my whole life, and I loved her. I only wished I could always feel this way; so full of love for this friend, instead of full of jealousy.

  Toby and I held hands as we walked back to the hotel in silence, amused at the others, who were singing cheesy pop songs as loudly as they could, laughing and stumbling along.

  Before I knew it we were in the elevator, saying goodnight as each person got out for their floor, and then Toby and I were the only two left. The doors pinged open, and he stepped out first, taking my hand again and walking in silence to my door. A wave of heat flooded me as I imagined inviting him in, and letting him undress me.

  “I had fun tonight,” I told him as I fumbled in my bag for my room card.

  “Me too. You make me forget. In fact, you make me a different person.”

  “Ditto. You’ve been amazing. Helped me through, thank you.”

  I found my card and put it into the door.

  “Goodnight, Alice.”

  My courage failed me, and I resisted the urge to invite him in. Somehow, I thought it might ruin it.

  “Goodnight, Toby.”

  He smiled, and I dropped my hand from the door and wrapped my arms around his neck for a goodnight hug, and he held me tight for a few moments. I didn’t know if he’d kiss me, and I didn’t know if I had the courage to kiss him. I wanted to instigate something, but the shadow of the woman he’d mentioned before, this girl he was in love with, was hovering over us.

  “You want to come have a drink in my room?” he whispered in my ear.

  “I don’t know,” I admitted. He pulled out of the hug.

  “That’s okay,” he said. “Just come in and talk? No funny business.”

  I laughed and nodded, and put my key card back in my bag.

  His room was identical to mine, but a mess. The clothes he’d worn over the past few days were strewn all over the room, and he hastily grabbed them all and threw them in a corner.

  “Sorry, I wasn’t expecting company…”

  “You didn’t expect me to come knocking any time over the past few days?”

  “No! You’re in love with Hannah’s fiancé, and I figured you’re too sensible to sleep with a guy you have no future with.”

  Huh, well that was a reality check. No future with Toby. Of course. None whatsoever. I suddenly felt very sober. I went over to the window and looked out at the lights in the distance. He had to bring up my feelings for Ed, too. What a mood-killer.

  “So what do you think I should do?” I asked him. “To get over Ed?”

  “I wish I knew. I guess you accept it and move on.”

  “Like you have?” I turned around to face him. “You’ve moved on from Mystery Girl?”

  “There’s no mystery. I am in love with her, yes. But I don’t dwell. And I don’t want to talk about her.”

  Well, that put me firmly in my place. No chance of anything romantic happening between us now. I decided to change the subject. The falls were usually lit up at night, but it was late and they’d turned the lights off now. I stared out some more, remembering our boat trip.

  “I love it here.”

  “It’s something special, huh?”

  “You want some water? Sorry that’s all I have.”

  “Yes, please.”

  He handed me a bottle and I took a sip. He stood beside me, our arms almost touching.

  “I’m glad I met you, Alice.”

  I looked up at him. “I’m glad I met you too.”

  He took his shoes off and went and sat on the bed, leaning against the headrest with his legs out in front of him. I went and sat beside him, upright, not touching but in the same position. I sipped my water.

  “So tell me more about you,” I said to him. “Mike said you work in finance?”

  “Yes, I know it sounds boring but I’ve always been good with numbers, stats and figures. I work for a great company and I really enjoy it.”

  “That’s all that matters, enjoying it.”

  “What about you?”

  “I manage a bookshop in Camden. It’s a little family-run place. Yvonne, my boss, is the third generation owner. Her grandfather set it up. We get locals in all the time. We have children’s authors doing book signings. I love it when new titles arrive.”

  “Sounds like you really enjoy it.”

  “I do, yeah.” I wondered how things were going while I was away, as my assistant manager wasn’t always super-organised.

  “Tell me about your life.”

  “My life?” I sipped some more water.

  “Your friends, your family, where you live. What do you like doing?”

  “Wow, that’s a lot of questions.”

  “Sorry, I’m interested.”

  I turned to face him, crossing my legs in front of me.

  “Well, I live with my friends, Penny and Miranda. They’re pretty cool, we get on well. And I’ve got a small family, nothing really to speak of.”

  Talking about my family usually changed the mood in the room for the worse, so I decided to leave that topic for tonight.

  “And then there’s Hannah. She’s my oldest friend. Known her since primary school.”

  “When did you last go on a date?”

  “Oh, I don’t know. A long time. I lived with a guy, Paul, but we broke up a year ago. I’ve not dated anyone since.”

  “Because…?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t exactly have a line of men queueing at my door, apart from anything else.”

  “You must meet men, in the bookstore, on the streets…”

  “On the streets?! You make me sound like a prostitute!”

  “So you’re not then? Darn it, I shouldn’t have bothered stopping for cash on the way home.”

  I picked up a pillow and bashed him on the head with it. “You knob!”

  He laughed and took the pillow out of my hand, throwing it on the floor on his side of the bed. I leaned over him to grab it, my waist on top of his and he didn’t move. I could feel him breathing and my whole body came alive, tingling. I sat back up, put the pillow behind me, and leaned against it.

  He looked at me, his eyebrows raised.

  Now, where were we?

  “What about you?” I asked him.

  “Me?”

  “Your life. Your family, friends, hopes and dreams…?”

  “Well, I’ve got an apartment in Manhattan. And you’ve met my friends. My family are all back in England. I don’t speak to them as often as I should.”

  “You should!” I said, kicking him lightly on the thigh. “Don’t take them for granted.”

  “Wise words. I’m close to my sister, though.”

  “That’s nice. I always wanted a sibling.”

  “And my hopes and dreams … I just want to travel a bit, I guess. See more of the world.”

  “That’s a good dream. I want to see as much of the world as I can, too.”

  “Then you should.”

  “Life’s short,” I said, nodding.

  “Exactly.”

  “I also like walking,” I told him. “I walk to work when I can get up early enough. I like walking through the park. I real
ly ought to get a dog.”

  “I walk too. Central Park most days, if the weather is nice.”

  Too bad we both had feelings for other people; and lived so far apart. We had quite a bit in common.

  ***

  I woke up with a jolt, wondering where I was. Oh. In Toby’s bed. I was lying on my side, my back to the window, facing him.

  I still had my dress on, and he was in his shirt, half-undone, and boxers. We hadn’t closed the curtains and the light was streaming in from behind me, lighting up his face. I watched him sleeping. I wanted to touch his face. In fact, I wanted to kiss him. But he looked so peaceful.

  I turned and saw the view out of the window. I couldn’t resist. I touched his cheek softly, and he stirred.

  “Toby.”

  “Yeah…”

  “Toby, wake up, it’s Alice.”

  He opened his eyes and smiled. “Still here?”

  “You’ve got to see this.”

  I moved away and went to the window. The sun was rising over the falls, sending yellow, orange and golden light over the water, and it was spectacular. Toby came and stood beside me. I took his hand and leaned into him.

  “Worth waking up early for?” I asked him.

  “Yes. Wow.”

  He pulled his hand out of mine and for a second I was disappointed, but then he draped his arm around my shoulder and I rested my head on him. We stayed liked that, in silence, for a while. I really needed a wee, but I couldn’t pull myself away.

  Toby made me feel safe, and comfortable and relaxed. He stopped me thinking about Ed, and the wedding and all those mixed-up feelings.

  Did I just like the way he made me feel, or did I really fancy him? I wasn’t sure. We’d only know each other a few days but they’d been the best few days I’d had in a long, long time.

  “I’d better go next door and get a shower,” I told him. “I’m meeting the girls at nine, Sally’s got a surprise for Hannah.”

  “I’m meeting the guys too, zip lining day remember?”

  “Eek, rather you than me.”

  “Thanks for staying last night.”

  I went on my tip-toes and gave him a brief kiss on the cheek.

  “Thanks for inviting me.”

  Back in my room, I let the shower wash over me and wondered how the hell I was supposed to go back to my normal life, now that I had met him.

  Just as I stepped out of the shower, my mobile started ringing.

  “Penny? Is everything okay?”

  “Yes, yes, don’t worry, just wanted a chat. I didn’t wake you, did I?”

  “No,” I said, wrapping my towel around me tightly and going over to the window. I may as well enjoy the view while we chatted. “This might cost me a fair bit though.”

  “Oh shit, sorry!”

  “It’s okay, what’s up?”

  “My sister cancelled lunch on me today again and I was just pissed off.”

  “She always cancels; I don’t know why you bother.”

  “Because you’re always telling me family is important.”

  Oh, yeah. “Well, it is. Did you yell at her? What was her excuse?”

  “She said one of her friends needed her.”

  “Well, you saved yourself a whole load of calories. And at least twenty quid.”

  “You’re right,” she said, sighing. “I just have this vision of being close with her and she always lets me down.”

  “I know.”

  “So, tell me about Niagara Falls.”

  “Well, it’s stunning. Beautiful. You must visit one day. Amazing hotel. Good food. Lots of drinking.”

  “Sounds amaze-balls. And these two guys sound interesting.”

  “They are. Last night I stayed in Toby’s room. No sex! Just talking.”

  “No way! Spill!”

  “He’s sweet, and we’ve lots in common. Feel I’ve known him forever.”

  “Any kissing?”

  “Just once, a very quick one though and this wasn’t last night. He’s nice, but he’s holding back. And he lives in New York, so…”

  “Jeez, Alice, you were meant to find someone to have a bit of sexy fun with, nothing too heavy.”

  “It’s not heavy. It’s just nice to … you know, talk to a man.”

  “Talking. Sounds so sexy.”

  I laughed. “It was nice. Right, I better go. See you when I get back.”

  “Have an awesome time!”

  “Bye.”

  “Miss you! Bye!”

  I threw my phone on the bed, and rushed around to get ready for breakfast. I needed more pancakes.

  Chapter Five

  When Hannah and I were at university, we drifted apart for a bit. I was in London, she was in Northampton. We made new friends, and we didn’t see each other so often. She changed during that time; I guess we both did. I became more bookish, reading and reading and reading. She became more adventurous; snowboarding became an obsession for a while. She was always up to some sort of wild adventure, usually with Sally and Ruth. In their final year, they went and did a bungee jump together and I remember thinking; thank goodness she has these new friends to do this scary shit with.

  So, I wasn’t overly impressed when Sally announced over breakfast that the big surprise was tree-top trekking including zip lines and other scary-sounding adventures. It required a rental car to get there, and, funnily enough, was the same trip out that Charlie had planned with the guys.

  Hannah shrieked with delight, Ruth grinned from ear to ear, obviously already aware, and even Molly seemed pleased. I caught Toby looking at me across the table and giving me a sympathetic smile.

  “You going to be okay with this?” Hannah asked me, “I know it’s not your thing.”

  “Yeah, of course.” I lied.

  “She didn’t seem so well last night,” Toby said quickly. “Did you?”

  I hesitated.

  “You’ve been quiet.” Ruth pointed out.

  “I’m fine,” I told them, not wanting to let Hannah down.

  “Maybe you’ve got a bug or something, shall I stay behind with you?” she offered, bless her.

  “I’ll stay behind with you, if you don’t want to go,” Toby said. I looked across at him and he gave me a warm smile.

  “That’s so nice of you,” I began, “but I can’t spoil the fun.”

  Toby shrugged. “I’m not that bothered about going, anyway.”

  “Don’t come if you don’t want to,” Hannah told me. “Really, it’s fine. Stay here and chill with Toby.”

  She gave me a reassuring smile but it took quite a bit more persuading – not that I wanted to go, but I felt I should. Toby kept saying I looked pale, and Hannah started to agree, and before I knew it, we were waving them off as Mike pulled a rental people carrier out of the hotel car park.

  “Do I really look pale?” I asked Toby as we were still waving.

  “Nope. I just knew you didn’t want to go, and … I wanted to spend the day with you. I think we make awesome friends and it’s our last day together. Now we can do whatever we want.”

  “But Charlie is your friend and it’s his thirtieth birthday. And Hannah—”

  “Charlie doesn’t care, he’s only got eyes for Sally this weekend. And Hannah’s happy, she’s with her other friends.”

  “I still feel guilty.”

  “Come on,” he said, holding out his hand, which I took. “Let’s go for a walk.”

  And so we walked all over. We walked, stopped, got drinks, sat on a bench with a view of the falls, and then we walked some more. We held hands mostly, but I tried not to analyse it, despite the warm touch of his hand making me feel all kinds of special.

  “Tell me something profound,” I said, while we were looking out at the falls. I was taking photos and he was standing beside me.

  “Like what?”

  “I don’t know. Something you believe in. Something you’re passionate about.”

  “Okay. I believe happiness is a choice.”

&nbs
p; “Oh yes?”

  “Yes, you make a decision every day how you will think, how you’ll feel, how you’ll react to situations. You’re in control.”

  I put my camera down and looked at him. His grey eyes were looking back at me, taking me in.

  “You really believe that? If only it were that easy.”

  “You have to train yourself to think in the right way, that’s all. Life is for living, and I think it’s sad that so many people get fucking depressed because they just don’t get it; they are in control of their own emotions.”

  “That’s kind of—”

  “Arrogant? Ignorant?”

  “No, inspiring.”

  He smiled. “Well, I control my thoughts. I do fun stuff. I’m pretty happy, most of the time.”

  “Yet you seemed so low when I first met you.”

  “I’d just had some bad news. But I realised I could control it, and I picked myself up again pretty quickly.”

  “I’m impressed.”

  “I know it’s not easy, with Hannah’s fiancé I mean, but you can control how often you think about him. You can force yourself to consider other men, to try and move on.”

  “I know,” I said, nodding and picking my camera up again. “I guess I just never thought of it like that.”

  “Well, I hope that helps.”

  “It does.” I raised my camera to take a shot. I did have a choice, he was right. I could force Ed out of my head if I really tried, couldn’t I? I could control my thoughts.

  “Now you tell me something deep and meaningful.”

  “Huh. Umm … well, my mum died and sometimes when I’m alone I imagine she is with me. I talk out loud to her.”

  I’d never told anyone that before.

  “I know it’s crazy, but I imagine what she might tell me, what advice she’d give me. Not that I knew her well.”

  I looked at him, wondering if he thought I was mad.

  “That’s nice and if it helps you then it’s not crazy,” he said, looking out at the water.

  “What are you thinking?”

  “That I ought to call my mother more often. And my dad.”