Unrequited Alice Read online

  He didn’t say anything. A few moments of silence passed. My head was still resting on his shoulder, his arm around me.

  “What’re you thinking?” I finally asked.

  “That I better be able to vet this guy; only the best for you.”

  I was playing with the sand, letting it fall threw my fingers.

  “That’s sweet.”

  “You wanna head back? They’ll be home again now.”

  He offered me his hand as we stood up, and I took it and hoisted myself up. He didn’t let go and we walked back, hand in hand, and I started to ponder how easy it would be, just to let myself go, if only he were open to it. Beth was right; somehow, we fit.

  Back at the house, I helped Beth to prepare dinner, chopping onion and garlic while she prepared potatoes and peppers and complained about Mike’s mother. The phone rang and she excused herself while she went to answer it.

  Onions all done, I wandered through to the room with the pool table, but stopped when I heard this:

  “So Beth and I were wondering when you’re gonna admit that you’re in love with Alice?”

  “What? Of course I love her, as a friend. Why else would I invite her here, if I didn’t care? She’s my best friend.”

  “I’m so hurt, buddy.”

  “Come on, you’re my best friend too.”

  “But seriously, you don’t have any romantic feelings for her at all?”

  Silence.

  “Maybe. Sometimes, just sometimes, I really just want to kiss her.”

  I held my breath.

  “I knew it!”

  “But I can’t ruin what we have, it’s such a good thing.”

  “Maybe you won’t ruin it. Maybe this is it.”

  “It’s Donna.”

  “Come on, Toby, that’s just crazy. She’s marrying your brother. And I gotta tell you, I didn’t even like her that much when they came to visit.”

  “So you said.”

  “But Alice … Alice I like.”

  My chest swelled with pride.

  “I like her too, but we’re just friends.”

  “Bullshit. She’s in love with you.”

  Was I? I decided I’d heard enough and started to turn back towards the kitchen.

  “She’s not. I’m never, ever gonna go there so you might as well stop.”

  Never, ever. Never. Ever. Well, that was a wake-up call, if ever I needed one.

  “You okay? You look a little pale?” Beth was in the kitchen.

  “I’m good,” I told her, feeling anything but. “What can I do next to help with dinner?”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  After Toby had left for work on Monday morning – I liked to imagine him on Wall Street, working the stock exchange, yelling about shares, but it turned out he sat in an office managing a bunch of financial analysts all day – I turned on his MacBook and opened up Facebook.

  I found Cora, Mum’s best friend, and wrote her a message.

  Hey Cora,

  Long time, no see! I still get the cards you send to Gran every year, thank you so much, you’re very thoughtful. I hope you and your family are well.

  I just wanted to reach out to you for some help. I’m in New York, taking a bit of ‘me’ time, trying to ‘find myself’ – corny, I know – and I guess I feel the need to know more about my parents, Mum in particular. What did she enjoy doing? What was she like, as a person, as a friend? Do you know how my parents met? I’ve heard from my dad’s sister in the past, but I’d love to hear my mum’s side of the story.

  I know it’s been a long time, but really, anything you can share with me, anything you remember, would be very interesting.

  All the best,

  Alice x

  Next, I set about researching photography courses, both in London and New York. I’d thought about what Toby had said; since I’d been to Niagara, I’d taken a lot of photos, and people kept telling me I had talent. What if I could harness that, and make a career of it? It’d be hard work, but I was willing to do it. In fact, the more I thought about it, and read about it, the more passionate I became.

  By 5pm, I was making a vegetable chilli, and I couldn’t wait for Toby to get home, I had so much to tell him. I put some music on, and danced around the kitchen, high on ideas and possibilities; eager to share them with the most important person in my life right now. The realisation that this was him made me giddy and scared. He’d said ‘never, ever’ and I knew I had to stop any ideas of us becoming a couple. But he was my best friend; that was all he’d ever be, I had accepted that, and I was grateful for him.

  “Honey, I’m home!” he called as he stepped through the front door.

  “Dinner is on the table, darling!” I called back. He came through, looking maybe more attractive than I’d ever seen him before; black suit, tie loosened off at the neck, his hair ruffled. He threw his jacket on the sofa and came over to the table.

  “Wow, this is so nice, you didn’t have to do this,” he said, kissing me on the cheek.

  “It’s the least I can do.”

  “You seem really happy. Glowing.”

  “I have so much to tell you. Sit.”

  “Let me turn this down, first. Is that One Direction?”

  “I like cheesy pop music, so sue me.”

  He rolled his eyes, turned the music off, and removed his tie.

  “You also cleaned, didn’t you?”

  I’d insisted Toby tell the cleaner not to come anymore when I arrived; I wanted to contribute somehow, and no cleaner would ever clean to my standards, I was pretty sure of that. So I’d spent a little time this afternoon tidying up and cleaning.

  “It didn’t take me long.”

  “Well, thank you.”

  He looked at the food I was placing on the table.

  “This looks delicious.”

  He grinned and sat down, picking up a piece of bread, which I’d baked myself from scratch. I know, I was a whole new woman.

  “Wow, yum. Right, go.”

  “Okay, well, I spoke to my Gran for an hour.”

  “Ah, that’s nice. How is she?”

  “She’s good. And she said she’d had a long hard think, and she wants me to have some of my inheritance early. She said it was all going to me, anyway, and she’d like to see me spend it while she’s still here. I insisted I couldn’t take her money, she insisted she wanted me to put it to good use.”

  “Wow, that’s great, you don’t have to worry about college fees after all?”

  “Well, in my head, I’ve already spent it. It’s enough to get a degree. To live on for four years, at least, and pay tuition fees – even out here.”

  “That’s amazing!”

  I’d felt guilty about it, but Gran had insisted so hard: “It’s not often I get to feel joy,” she’d said, “but the thought of you doing something amazing, that’d bring me real happiness.”

  I’d welled up when she’d said that. Uncle Alan had also come on the line and told me he didn’t need or expect her money as he had plenty of his own, so I ought to have it. How could I turn it down?

  “I know,” I told Toby. “I’m completely overwhelmed by it.”

  “So, you found a degree you want to take?”

  “Yes. There’s one in London…” I continued telling him about it, and was it me, or did his face fall, just a little?

  “That sounds good,” he said, less enthusiastically.

  “And another in New York,” I told him quickly. “It sounds amazing and I have done the research, I can’t see why I couldn’t get a placement with my dual nationality.”

  “Sounds great.”

  “Obviously I’m too late for this year, but I think I’ll apply now for next year, and find some sort of temporary work in the meantime.”

  “Wow, you’ve got a whole plan. So London or New York?”

  “New York, I think. I feel at home here, and I’ve even researched rooms to rent.”

  “You could stay here,” he said quickly. “I l
ike having you as a roomie.”

  I had thought of this and was prepared with an answer.

  “But what if I had a boyfriend, and brought him home?”

  “I’d be okay with that,” he said, but his face betrayed him.

  “No jealousy?” I checked, knowing I was testing the emotional waters again.

  “Of course not!” he said this as if that was absurd. I decided not to remind him about what happened after I’d flirted with Billy. I didn’t want to stir things up again just yet.

  “Lastly, and maybe most importantly, I got this message from my mum’s friend Cora. I picked up my iPad and put it in front of him while he was eating. I almost knew it by heart anyway, I’d read it so many times.

  Dear Alice

  It’s so wonderful to hear from you, I think about you a lot and wonder how your life is progressing. I am so glad to hear you’re in NYC – your mum always loved being in the US.

  I can answer your questions, and please ask more, if you’d like to.

  Your mum and I were friends since high school. She loved art; she loved to draw, and see plays, and she liked taking photos. Do you remember she took thousands of you? And of all sorts of things, landscapes, buildings, everything really. Your father was always complaining about the amount of film she got through; but the photos were stunning.

  She was always a happy, cheerful person; always telling me that life was for living, that I should follow my dreams and take risks and be more outgoing. She was very inspiring. I’m sorry she didn’t get much chance to inspire you, but I hope my telling you this may have a much less impactful, but similar effect.

  She met your dad on the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. She was taking photographs, and he offered to take one of her, and they hit it off right away. She wrote me letters, telling me how romantic this gorgeous American doctor was. They were in love pretty fast. Their wedding was beautiful. I have some photos in my loft, I’ll find them and scan them in for you.

  How is your Gran these days? Is she still with us? I hope so, and I hope she’s doing well.

  As for your dad, he was always making us laugh. He was a charmer, too, had a great bedside manner with his patients, always smiling, he was.

  And they were so proud of you, so full of love for their little girl.

  Please keep in touch.

  All my love,

  Cora x

  “Wow. Photography?”

  “Yes, I know. When I read that bit, I did remember her taking lots of photos. Maybe that’s why I started to do it, on some unconscious level.”

  “And did you say they both ended up working at the hospital?”

  “Yes, Dad was a doctor. Mum was a receptionist.”

  “This is lovely.”

  “I know,” I said, smiling. “Thank you for the suggestion.”

  He reached across the table and put his hand on mine. I smiled but looked away; I’d thought about what Mike had said about it being obvious that I loved him and I didn’t want him to think that.

  “Next step, finding a boyfriend.” He raised his eyebrows but didn’t say anything. “It’s the ultimate way to move on from my stupid unrequited thing. But I guess I need to focus on me first, apply and get into a college; then maybe I’ll look at online dating.”

  He looked a little less enthusiastic now. “I keep telling you, you don’t need a man. Why do you need to be conventional? Why not live like me? I'm pretty happy.”

  I looked up at him then. “I don’t need a man, that’s true, but I’d like someone. And anyway, you’re not that happy, despite all the stuff you say.”

  “I am happy!” he protested.

  “You understand people, and you understand happiness. You’re happy, and you’re also lonely. That’s why you invited me here, and that’s why you invite me into your bed most nights.”

  He sighed. “I invited you here to help you, not me.”

  “But you are lonely.”

  “Men don’t get lonely, Alice, sorry to tell you that. We’re not as afraid of being alone as you girls.”

  “I’m not afraid of being alone.”

  “Okay,” he shrugged, “if you say so.”

  “Well, anyway I had a text from Billy, so I said I’m free tomorrow night. We’re going for a pizza.”

  “Right, nice.” His face was composed, not giving away what he really felt.

  “So, lastly, I was thinking about Brian and Donna’s wedding…” I continued.

  I saw a flicker of pain cross his face and I wondered if I’d looked like that whenever I thought of Hannah and Ed. Not now, obviously, but before, you know, when I was delusional.

  “Yes, what about it?” he asked stiffly.

  “I say, let’s go and have a blast, and then let’s kick that girl out of your head once and for all.”

  He laughed and nodded. “Sounds like a plan.”

  I hoped it’d be as easy as I made it sound, but I had a feeling it wouldn’t be.

  “So you ran the book store, all by yourself?” Billy seemed to think this was a great achievement. Don’t get me wrong, it was hard work and I loved it, but hardly as impressive as he was making out. I couldn’t dislike his enthusiasm though; it was rather endearing.

  “Yeah,” I shrugged. “And I loved it, but now’s the time for something new.”

  I asked him about his life. He worked in marketing for a large firm and seemed to enjoy it. We shared a veggie pizza – he didn’t seem to mind that I didn’t want meat – and we drank red wine.

  It was a nice evening. It was lovely. He was charming and attentive and cute. I liked him. But I didn’t feel much of a spark, or any chemistry.

  And I kept thinking about Toby. And it occurred to me that even if I wanted to kiss Billy, and then if I started dating him regularly, if I slept with him … well then, nothing would ever happen with Toby. I wasn’t sure if I wanted it to happen, or not. But I didn’t want to know that it wouldn’t. I didn’t want to rule it out. Not yet.

  So when Billy walked me back to the apartment building, and leaned in to kiss me, I put my hands on his chest.

  “I’m sorry,” I told him. “I really like you, but I’m just not ready for this.”

  “That’s fine,” he said, smiling at me sadly. “I understand.”

  “Really?”

  “Truly.”

  “Maybe someday…”

  “Just let me know if you ever change your mind. Until then, friends?”

  “That’d be lovely.”

  “I’ll see you around,” he said, kissing me on the cheek, then walking briskly away.

  “So did you have fun?” Toby asked as I shut the door behind me.

  “Yes,” I answered honestly. “But I don’t think I’ll go on another date with him.”

  “Oh?”

  “He’s not for me,” I said. I wasn’t sure this wasn’t true. Without Toby, I’d probably have a good crush on Billy; he was cute, charming, and sweet. But if I could go home with him, or go home to Toby, then I’d pick Toby. Every time. The realisation scared me.

  Maybe, if things went badly with Toby, or in a few months when I’d moved on a little more with my life, I’d reconsider Billy again. But right now, I just wanted to sit on the sofa, and put my head in my best friend’s lap. So I did. He put his hand on my head and stroked my hair.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  I waited for my aunt at the ferry terminal. She was coming from Staten Island into Manhattan to take me out for lunch, and I’d woken up that morning full of nerves. I hadn’t seen her for about ten years. She must have had such expectations about what her dead brother’s daughter had become and I only hoped I could live up to them.

  “She’s going to be so proud of you,” Toby had told me as he did up his tie that morning. I sometimes wondered how he knew when to say exactly the right thing. “So don’t be nervous today.”

  He gave me a kiss on the forehead, and then he left for work. I then spent nearly two hours trying to decide what to wear, messing
up my eyeliner and having to start again, attempting various hairstyles then leaving it down, and then rushing to the terminal, worried I was late, only to realise I was early.

  The big orange ferry came in, and I waited patiently, until I saw her coming through. She looked just the same; blonde curly hair, big brown eyes and a warm smile. She was wearing a long, floaty dress with a peacock pattern and had a huge purple bag on her shoulder.

  “Oh my, Alice, you’re so grown up!” she squealed as she threw her arms around me. Up close, I could see she was a little older, but she still had the same comforting scent of Chanel about her.

  “You look just the same,” I told her.

  “You look so, so much like your father,” she said, studying my face, and my eyes welled up. “So beautiful. Exact same eye colour as him, and then hair just like your mom,” she said, lifting up a piece of my long dark hair.

  “Now, tell me everything that’s happened to you since we last met. You were just about to go to college.” She linked her arm through mine.

  “I’m sorry I haven’t visited more,” I told her, wondering why, yet again. I could’ve saved for a flight. I should’ve made more effort.

  She waved her hand. “Don’t worry about it, dear, I could’ve come to see you too. I could’ve called more often. Life gets in the way, we’re all so busy. But you’re here now and it’s wonderful to see you.”

  We walked for a long time, talking about my flight over and how things had changed in New York since my last visit, and then we went into a Japanese restaurant.

  Kerry told me all the latest on her life, some stuff I knew already from our phone calls, other stuff was new, but I lapped it all up, glad to be with her again, honoured by the love she obviously had for me, despite the fact I’d not visited for so long.

  “And how’s Becky?” I asked. My cousin; we had emailed each other regularly, and she now lived in Boston.

  “She’s doing great. You should go visit her, she’d love it.”

  “I’d love that, too.”

  “So you’re taking a break?”

  “I lost my job,” I said, shrugging. “And my friend invited me to stay, get some distance, work out my next move.”