Unrequited Alice Read online

  “What girl?”

  “Blonde hair. Skinny.”

  “Jeez, I wasn’t kissing her!”

  “It sure looked like it.”

  “I gave her a kiss on the cheek.”

  “You danced with her.”

  “She’s gay.”

  “What?”

  “She’s married to a friend of mine at work. She’s a lesbian.”

  How had I read that all wrong? I felt stupid now.

  “Oh.”

  “Were you jealous? Is that why you kissed Billy?”

  “No! Of course not.”

  I looked at him for a few minutes, wondering again if I ever should have come here. Things between us were getting far too complicated and I didn’t know any more if this was where I ought to be.

  “You know, it’s none of your business if I sleep with Billy. Or anyone, for that matter. You’re not my boyfriend.”

  “I know. I just … I don’t know why, I just feel very protective of you. I’m sorry.” His voice was calmer.

  “Well, that’s nice, I guess.”

  “Next time, go home and sleep with him. I shouldn’t interfere. I won’t stop you.”

  “Maybe I will. But one night things aren’t really for me … so maybe I’d wake up the next day feeling like shit.”

  “Still, it wasn’t my place to criticise you, sorry.”

  I went up to him, and he looked nervous for a moment, like he thought I was going to make a pass at him. I went up on my tip toes and gave him a gentle peck on the cheek.

  “Good night, Toby.”

  “You can stay here, if you want,” he said, as I turned to go. I hesitated.

  “No,” I said, crossing the hall to my bedroom. “I think it’s better that we don’t do that anymore.”

  He didn’t reply and I didn’t look at him. I needed to stop this; he was my friend, he was helping me out, but I couldn’t let him hold me back. And I definitely couldn’t let myself start falling in love with him. I’d often thought I should have caught myself, when I first met Ed. I should have had some switch that turned off those unhelpful thoughts and wishes, and made me harden to him before I got into such a horrible, heart-breaking unrequited shitty situation.

  Sure, he’d admitted he was attracted to me in the end, but he didn’t love me. I needed more than that, I needed someone who loved me as hopelessly and as passionately as I loved him, and Ed would never have been that man. If I’d realised that earlier on and toughened up, I could’ve saved myself a whole lot of hassle and pain.

  I decided that was what I must do with Toby. No matter how difficult it would be. He was my friend. He would only ever be by friend. I needed to find my feet, be a friend through his brother’s wedding, and then go off in the world and make my own path. Without him.

  Maybe someday, I’d meet a man who I had requited love for. Until then, I didn’t see why I couldn’t date and have some fun. Toby would just have to deal with that.

  I fell asleep in my dress.

  Chapter Twenty

  I woke up in the morning feeling determined. I was going to sort my life out.

  Starting with my best friend. In hindsight, maybe I had made a mistake last night; how would I have felt if he came to stay with me, and then he started messing around with one of my friends? I wouldn’t have liked it.

  I didn’t know why it was weird; if I had been a male friend, he would’ve been encouraging me to go and get some action. But somehow, it was. And instead of waiting for more moments to happen between us, instead of flicking back and forth between whether I wanted him or didn’t want him, I decided to accept things as they were.

  But I needed some boundaries. No more snuggling at night. No more hand holding. We were friends, and we were going to act like friends. No touching.

  I was making breakfast when he got up.

  “Hey,” he said smiling. “You’re cooking?”

  “Eggs, tomatoes, avocado and black beans with a tortilla wrap.”

  “You went out and bought this stuff?”

  I shrugged. “I wanted to do something nice for you.”

  “I don’t know why. I was a dick last night, but I’m sorry.”

  “It’s fine.”

  “No, it’s not. You should go on a date with Billy. Have some fun.”

  “We’ll see.”

  “No, really you should.”

  “Let’s forget about last night. Come sit down.”

  I put two mugs of coffee down on his small dining table, and then returned with his breakfast.

  “Wow, I don’t know if a girl’s ever made me breakfast before. This smells amazing.”

  “Not Janice? Or the other women you’ve dated?”

  He looked surprised. “Billy told you about her, huh?”

  “You’ve never mentioned the women you’ve dated. It was interesting to hear.”

  “I was wrong to judge him, because I’m the same. I didn’t date any of the girls I’ve been out with, with good intentions. I just wanted to go out, to feel good, have a good time. I never wanted any of them to go anywhere, and the minute they start acting like they had feelings, I ended it.”

  “Because of Donna?”

  “Because of me. I’m just … I’m…”

  “Emotionally unavailable?”

  He nodded. “Sad but true.”

  “Yet you’re emotionally open with me.”

  “Because you’re not my girlfriend. You’re my friend. I can be myself with you, open up. I can’t hurt you by being your friend.”

  “You think you’re not hurting me?”

  Something uncomfortable flickered across his face.

  “I’m very sorry if I have.”

  “And you think that only being friends means I can’t hurt you, either.”

  He shrugged.

  “Let’s eat.”

  I picked up my knife and fork. I had to admit, it did taste good. I’d had this once when I’d gone out for breakfast with Hannah and Ed when they came to visit me in London and had fancied trying to make it myself ever since.

  “So we have two days until I’m back to work, what do you want to do?”

  “You shouldn’t have used all your vacation time for me.”

  He shrugged. “Most people take time off at Christmas or Thanksgiving, I don’t tend to bother with no family around.”

  I wondered if he got lonely, being so far from home.

  “Can we just hang out here?”

  “Sure, if you want.”

  “I’d like to just relax. We’ve been out and about everywhere.”

  “And then when I go back to work?”

  “I’m going to see my aunt and family … and then I don’t know … I need to start thinking about what I’m going to do after Florida.”

  “Project Alice.”

  “Yes.”

  “How about you write out a list of things you want to achieve, and how you’re going to achieve them?”

  I nodded with a mouth full of avocado. “That makes sense.”

  “I look forward to hearing about it.”

  He went and had a shower after that, and I called Penny.

  “It’s so good to hear from you,” she said, and told me all her news. Then I told her mine.

  “Are his parents divorced?” she asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Ah, I see. Text book emotional issues.”

  “Everyone has emotional issues, don’t be daft. Anyway, what are you, a shrink?”

  “He has commitment issues, obvs.”

  “Yet he’s in love with Donna.”

  “He thinks he is, but he hasn’t even seen her for ages, you said.”

  “My head hurts.”

  “I’m not surprised. Just be careful. I don’t know how healthy this is, you two living together, acting like a couple at times, you feeling this way…”

  “I know, I know…”

  “Could you stay with your aunt? Didn’t she say you were welcome?”

  “I’m fi
ne here.”

  “Just be careful. You deserve more than this unrequited crap you put yourself through.”

  “I’m not in love with Toby.”

  “Sure. Just keep telling yourself that.”

  Later that day, while watching DVDs, my head on Toby’s lap – okay, I decided friends could have physical contact – Beth called me and asked if I’d like to go shopping the next day. She said she was thinking of going to a mall, and she’d buy me lunch if I wanted to come along. Mike invited Toby to come and hang out with him while we were gone.

  So Sunday morning, Toby and I went out to Long Island to visit Mike and Beth.

  “Have they always lived in Long Island?”

  “Mike grew up there but moved to Manhattan after college. Beth’s parents died not long before they got married. They left her this house so they moved back out there.”

  “Oh wow, that’s so sad.”

  “Car accident.”

  “Like my parents.”

  “I bet your parents would be very proud of you.”

  I was touched, but I couldn’t agree.

  “No job, no home, no plan, no husband. Sure. Very proud.”

  “You don’t need a husband. And you’re working on all that other stuff.”

  I laughed, unsure if that was true, but grateful for his words anyway.

  Mike and Beth’s house was beautiful, with a brick driveway, and a small front garden full of flowers and shrubs.

  Inside was gorgeous; colonial style with elegant furniture. Beth was in the kitchen, her bag already over her shoulder. She gave me a hug, then told the boys we’d see them later. I heard Mike saying something about a new pool table.

  “You and Toby are so cute together,” Beth said as she put her seatbelt on.

  I put mine on too, unsure how to answer. “We’re only friends,” I told her, hoping I didn’t sound too defensive.

  “Oh, I know. Keeping his distance, huh?”

  I laughed. “Kind of, but you know, that suits me right now. I’m not in any place to get into something serious. And I may decide to go back to the UK at some point.”

  “I’ve known Toby a long time, and Mike and he are best friends which makes him my best friend in-law, but you know sometimes that man drives me crazy. He is somehow both incredibly sensitive, and at the same time an emotional mess.”

  I laughed. “That does sum him up nicely. He somehow gets away with it, he can be so charming.”

  “It’s like, he can be such a great guy … but if you try to get too close, he pushes you away. I’ve seen him do it with countless women.”

  Wow, ‘countless’? Just how many women had he been with?

  “Well, just as well I’m not falling in love with him, then!” I said quickly, hoping she wasn’t worried about that. Then I pictured his face and didn’t know for sure that I was speaking the truth. I pushed the thought to one side; I had to stop myself. Walls back up, Alice.

  “Well, there’s something different about you. I meant what I said, you’re cute together. It’s like … I don’t know, like you’re connected on some level. It’s how I was with Mike, when we met. So I still hold out hope for you guys.”

  “You think…” I didn’t know what to say. “You’ve made—”

  “A lot of assumptions and I’ve only met you a few times, but I’m intuitive. And Mike told me about you when he got back from Niagara. He could see you two had something, even then.”

  I felt myself blush and stayed quiet.

  “We’re here,” she said, pulling into a car park.

  The mall wasn’t much different from the ones back home: white marble floors, black railings, escalators, H&M … but also Macy’s. I went in and bought some perfume, just so that I’d get a bag.

  We wandered in and out of stores, Beth buying clothes and talking absentmindedly about Mike, and Toby, and her job working for a PR firm. I tried to picture my life here. I couldn’t live with Toby forever, obviously, but should I research jobs? I had friends here, now, and I really liked Beth. I had family, too, family I’d always wanted to spend more time with. It’d be a fresh start. I didn’t have to see Ed too often. I was pretty sure my feelings had gone since the last time I’d seen him, but it’d always be a little weird now that we’d admitted there was an attraction.

  I had looked it all up before my trip; my dual citizenship would mean I’d have no trouble with visas so getting work and staying permanently was definitely an option.

  “Can I ask you something?” I said as we were eating our lunch.

  “You don’t need to ask me if you can ask, just ask,” she said with a breezy smile.

  “I was just wondering about your parents,” I admitted. “Toby told me they died, I’m so sorry.”

  “Oh,” she said, fork mid-air. “Sure. They died just over a year ago. I miss them a helluva lot. Car accident. It was quite a shock.”

  “Mine, too,” I told her. “I was four.”

  “Oh no, honey, I’m so sorry. Who raised you?”

  I told her about my Gran. She told me about the funeral, how she’d inherited the house, how she’d wished her future kids would have had grandparents.

  “Now they’ll only ever know Mike’s mother, and I tell you that woman is something else.”

  I smiled. “Better than nothing.”

  “Yes, you’re right. I guess this makes us kindred spirits then.”

  “I guess it does.”

  She raised her glass. “To our parents, may they rest in peace.”

  I clinked my glass against hers and noticed her eyes were full of tears. I felt guilty; she’d known her parents so well, she must still feel their loss. I was sad that I didn’t have the same sort of bond to remember and mourn.

  “Now, I thought it’d be nice if you guys stayed for some drinks later, but we have to go visit Mike’s mother, it’s a Sunday ritual, and we only skip it when we really must because, I’m not ashamed to admit, I’m scared of that woman.”

  I laughed. “That’s fine.”

  “Well, why don’t you and Toby go for a walk on the beach, we won’t be gone more than an hour, and then come back later on for dinner?”

  “Sounds great.”

  We finished our lunch, headed back, then Mike dropped Toby and me at the beach while they went off to see his mother. She did sound pretty scary.

  “Beth’s so nice,” I told Toby as we strolled along the boardwalk.

  “Yeah, she’s great.”

  “We talked about our parents. She really misses them. I kind of envy her, though. She got to know her mum and dad.”

  “Didn’t your gran tell you much about them?”

  “Gran never wanted to talk about them too much, she said it made her too sad,” I told him. “And sometimes I just wonder what they were like. What did they enjoy? What were their hopes and dreams and hobbies? What music did they like? What were their favourite movies? It never really occurred to me to ask anyone before.”

  We were strolling by the shoreline; the breeze lightly lifting my hair.

  “You should find out. Maybe it’d help, with Project Alice. Make that your first goal. Your aunt will be able to tell you a lot of stuff.”

  “Maybe, but she was out here and they were in California. I don’t know how well she knew my mother.”

  “Didn’t they have friends? Other people you could talk to?”

  “I get birthday and Christmas cards every year from Cora, my mum’s best friend, but I don’t remember seeing her since I was really little. She lives in Wales.”

  “There you go. I bet she could tell you a lot.”

  “I’ll see if she’s on Facebook.”

  “What are your other goals going to be?”

  “Well, find a job, but I guess I need to decide what I want to do, first, and I thought I’d see if I can take a training course or something, maybe even go back to college.”

  “That’s brilliant, the most positive stuff you’ve said about your future to date.”

 
“Want to go onto the sand and sit down?”

  “Sure.”

  We took our shoes off and meandered on the beach for a while, then sat down on the sand, looking out at the sea.

  “Have you thought about doing something with photography? Your pictures are so good.”

  “I do love taking photos.”

  “So look into it, there must be tons of courses.”

  “But it’s so competitive.”

  “So you’re afraid of hard work?”

  “No! Of course not.”

  “Then at least look into it.”

  “Maybe.”

  “You are really starting to listen to me, well done!”

  I laughed “I only said maybe.”

  The breeze picked up and I shivered. Toby moved closer and put his arm around me. I leant into him.

  “And I guess I need to decide where I want to live.”

  “You’re welcome to stay with me as long as you need.”

  “Thank you. I’ve been…” I hesitated, wondering what his reaction might be, “I’ve been thinking about the possibility of moving here. I mean, I don’t think it’d be too hard. I’ve got a US passport. But it’s a big deal long-term … what do you think?”

  I couldn’t see his face, his chin was resting on my head.

  “I think that’d be amazing.”

  Relief flooded through me.

  “I thought I’d ask my aunt if I can live with her for a bit, I think she’d like that.”

  He tensed a little. “Why wouldn’t you live with me?”

  “Long-term, that can’t work. You’ll want to bring girls home. It’d be weird.”

  “Well you’re welcome as long as you want.”

  “Thank you. I’ve not decided yet.”

  “The world is your oyster.”

  “I also want to lose weight, that’s another goal.”

  “You don’t need to lose any weight.”

  I ignored him.

  “And I want to find someone. You know, someone who’ll love me back this time. I don’t want to be Unrequited Alice anymore.”

  “Unrequited Alice, that’s the name you’ve given yourself, huh?”

  “I guess.”

  “Don’t label yourself because of Ed.”

  “I guess it is a bit silly.”

  “And you don’t need a man.”

  “I don’t need one, but I’d like one. I want to get married one day. Start a family maybe. That’s not so weird, is it?”