Unrequited Alice Read online

  I saw him before he saw me and was surprised by the butterflies that started fluttering around in my chest. He was pulling his luggage behind him, and he looked tired, but handsome. His stubble had grown into a light beard. His grey eyes looked up and he smiled warmly at an attendant as he made his way through.

  He put his ticket through the turnstile and looked up and our eyes met. He broke into a huge grin and my heart swooshed, and before I knew it I was walking hurriedly towards him.

  He let go of his luggage and swept me up into a hard, warm hug and I instantly felt better. We just held each other for a few moments, without saying anything.

  “Hello, you,” he said eventually.

  “Hey,” I said back. He let me go and we started heading out.

  “Right, I’m here, I’m your wing man. I’m going to get you through this wedding without any tears, or sadness. We’re going to get drunk, dance the night away and basically have a fun time, right?”

  “Right,” I agreed. I didn’t know how easy that’d be – the drinking would be easy, just not the having fun part … but I was glad he was here to get through it with me. “Thank you for coming.”

  “That’s what friends are for. We’re in this together.”

  Maybe friends was all we’d ever be. I was okay with that. Wasn’t I? We walked back to my little house and I showed him around the tiny kitchen and living room, and then he dumped his stuff in Miranda’s bedroom.

  “And this is my room,” I told him, opening the door.

  “Wow, this is amazing.”

  Stuck to the walls were my photographs of Niagara Falls. Mostly of the water. There was a group one of all of us together, another of us girls, and a selfie of me and Toby in the hotel room with the sunset behind us.

  He pointed to that one. “The day our best friendship was made.”

  “You don’t have to keep doing that, it’s fine.”

  “What?”

  “Dropping the ‘friends’ word. I’m not about to pounce on you. The man I’m in love with is getting married the day after tomorrow, in case you’ve forgotten.”

  “Sorry,” he said, smiling. “Just didn’t want to get your hopes up, I know how irresistible I am.”

  “Well, I know you nearly kissed me in Canada, so who is irresistible?”

  He blushed and I regretted saying it. “Alright, alright. Let me get in the shower, and then I’ll buy you dinner. Deal?”

  “Sure.”

  We went to my favourite Chinese, got a takeaway, and then flopped down on the sofa to eat it. Penny was out with her boyfriend so we had the place to ourselves.

  “Now, seeing as tomorrow is wedding eve, and after that you do seriously have to get over Ed, you can have a few moments now where you can speak about him, and your feelings, and then you have to let him go. How does that sound?”

  “That sounds kind of healthy and therapeutic.”

  “Okay. So when did you first have feelings for him?”

  “When I first met him. He was just very thoughtful and charming, we hit it off straight away.”

  He nodded. “Handsome?”

  “Of course. But not in an obvious way. He’s cute. And when he smiles…”

  I sighed.

  “And he’s a nice guy, despite his pass at you?”

  “Yes, I know that doesn’t make him sound great but he’s so, so nice, or I thought so before that day.”

  Toby nodded and took a bite of a spring roll.

  “Now it’s your turn. Tell me about your brother’s fiancée.”

  He looked sad for a moment.

  “Donna is just … she’s stunning…” I felt a pang of jealousy, despite just talking about Ed in the way that I had.

  “She’s very passionate, and she does all this work for charity. She’s very ambitious. I haven’t seen much of her for a long time though. I avoid seeing them. It’s easier.”

  “Mike told me you’d had a tough week, when we were in Niagara.”

  “Brian had called to tell me that they’d set their wedding date just a few days before. I wasn’t expecting it I guess. They’d lived together for years, and then suddenly they’re getting married.”

  “That’s why you were so moody when I first met you.”

  “Sorry about that.”

  “You’ve made up for it since.”

  He smiled.

  “So what are you wearing, do you have some fancy bridesmaid dress?”

  “Want to see it? I’ll show you.”

  I put my plate down and ran up the stairs. I pulled the purple dress out from its cover. It was chiffon, knee length, A-line, with spaghetti straps. I pulled my clothes off and slipped into it. Thanks to all the lettuce I’d been eating, it still fit. I did a little twirl in front of the mirror; it flattered my shape and I felt good in it. At least I’d look nice while I stood at the ceremony, my heart breaking, and watched the man I love marry somebody else. I could have ended up in some horrible nightmare of a dress.

  I went downstairs and watched Toby drop some noodles from his chopsticks as he saw me.

  “Wow. Ed’s going to be even more conflicted when he sees you in that.”

  I rolled my eyes. “I don’t care. He’s marrying Hannah, she deserves to be happy.”

  “That’s my girl. You look amazing.”

  “Thank you,” I said, I took a little curtesy and then ran back up the stairs.

  A bottle of wine later, and it was like we’d never been apart. I’d been worried about being around him again, but I leant my head on his shoulder and snuggled into him while we watched a film. He fell asleep on the sofa and I cleared up quietly, then gently shook him to get him to go up to bed.

  “Sorry, I’m so tired.”

  “Come on, up to bed,” I offered him my hand and pulled him up.

  “Thank you for supporting me through this,” I told him as we went up the stairs. “I’m lucky to have a friend like you.”

  “Can a friend come and share your bed? Just like in Niagara, I mean?”

  I hesitated. Was this really a good idea? But then I thought, it’d be nice to have a man in my bed. It had been so long.

  “Why not?”

  I got changed into my bedclothes in the bathroom, and when I came back, Toby was under my duvet, head on my spare pillow.

  “It’s weird to see a man in here,” I told him, getting in beside him.

  “It’s been a while, huh?”

  “I haven’t had sex in over a year,” I told him honestly.

  “Oh wow, that’s way too long. We need to get you some.”

  I laughed. If only it were that easy to find a man, fall in love, and ‘get some’.

  “What about you?”

  “I date,” he said quietly, as if he didn’t want me to hear it.

  “When did you last have sex?”

  “About six weeks ago.”

  “Oh.”

  “I met her in a bar. We went on a few dates. Didn’t work out.”

  “I see.”

  I was jealous. Very jealous. But six weeks ago was before I’d even met him in Niagara.

  I couldn’t help but wonder, as I snuggled into Toby’s chest, how I’d feel about him if there were no Ed. And no Donna. Would we have even have got this close without them? Yet they were the barrier; they were the reason neither of us would make that move. I couldn’t risk it. What if Donna wanted him back? What if he never got over her? Wouldn’t I always wonder if he still loved her? I knew the same worries would be in his mind for me with Ed, too.

  And did I even feel that way about him, or did we just get on really well? Wasn’t our friendship pretty great without all the stuff that just complicates things?

  “Don’t you think,” I whispered in the darkness, “that sex just complicates things? I mean, look at us, we have a great relationship. No jealousy, no insecurities. No judgment. Maybe people don’t need a romantic mate. You just need a best mate.”

  Toby squeezed my arm.

  “You’re all I
need right now, that’s for sure.”

  I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

  Chapter Eleven

  Toby was fast asleep when I woke up the next morning, so I left him snoring lightly and went downstairs to find Penny coming in the front door.

  “Good night?” I asked her.

  “It was alright,” she shrugged. “I’m getting bored of him.”

  “You seem to bore easily.”

  “I do,” she confessed. “How about you? Is Toby here?”

  “He’s asleep. In my bed.”

  “Ooh! Did you do it, or was it just another really, really long talk?”

  “We’re just friends, how many bloody times do I have to say that?”

  “Sounds like he’s a boyfriend you don’t have sex with, to me.”

  I rolled my eyes.

  “So how’re you feeling about the wedding?”

  “Nervous. Excited for Hannah, but I haven’t seen Ed since that day at the pub.”

  “Just act normal, it’ll all be forgotten about.”

  “I hope so.” I still felt guilty about it, even though I strictly hadn’t done anything wrong. Except for not tell Hannah. I had spoken to her almost every day this week about various wedding bits and pieces, and it’d been hard to keep a normal tone and be enthusiastic. I was no longer sure if it was because I was in love with Ed, or because I was disappointed in him. How ironic that the one thing I’d always wanted from him, was the thing that also kind of put me off.

  “Tea?” I asked Penny, flipping the kettle on.

  “Please. I’ll just pop my stuff upstairs.”

  I made the tea, and wondered what Toby had brought with him to wear to the wedding. I was so grateful he was coming with me. Maybe I should buy him a gift or something. The wedding would be over soon, and I could get back to normal. Whatever ‘normal’ would be, post-losing my job.

  “Oh wow, you didn’t say how sexy he is!” Penny said, breezing back into the kitchen to pick up her tea.

  I didn’t reply.

  “How can you resist not climbing on top of that each time he cuddles you in bed?”

  Good question. He was pretty good to look at, and his arms felt so strong around me last night.

  “I’ve been tempted,” I admitted. “But—”

  “You’re just friends. I know, you’ve said it about a million times.”

  “Believe me then.”

  “I just don’t understand it. You get on really well.”

  “Yes.”

  “So, you find him attractive?”

  “Yes.”

  “So? What’s the problem?”

  “I’ve told you. He is in love with his ex. And he lives in New York.”

  “And you’re in love with Ed.”

  I shrugged.

  “The same Ed who is getting married tomorrow.”

  “When you describe it like that, it’s all a mess, isn’t it?”

  “One big fucked up mess.”

  “Thanks, you’re a great friend.”

  She laughed. “Just telling it like it is, hun.”

  “Wait a minute, you said he was sexy, did you just peek in on him?”

  “Couldn’t resist.” She giggled. “He looks hot, all curled up in your duvet.”

  I rolled my eyes. “You perv.”

  “I’m just saying, maybe you and he would be good together.”

  “He might not find me attractive, remember.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Excuses, excuses. Just do it already.”

  “I better go and wake him up. We have a train to catch.”

  “Up to the lovely Milton Keynes. I have no idea why you left that place for Camden. I’m sure it’s way cooler,” she said, sticking her tongue out at me.

  We’d had this conversation before. “Until you’ve been there, you can’t judge,” I told her.

  “Well, have fun. I’m off out to work. Joy.”

  “Have a good weekend.”

  “You too, stay out of trouble and if you get the chance to get sexy with Toby, I say go for it.”

  “Thanks for the permission.”

  “Welcome. Hope it goes well, though.”

  She gave me a light hug and off she went.

  Once Toby was up and ready, we left for Milton Keynes. I was grateful for his company. Plus, with my dress, shoes, hair accessories, change of clothes, toiletries, and wedding gift, I had a lot to carry. On the train I told him about my hometown, trying to dispel the myths, explaining that there was a lot more to it than roundabouts and concrete cows. He laughed and said, “We’ll see.”

  A cab took us to the hotel. It was in nice grounds, on the edge of the city, with fairy lights in the trees that’d surely look gorgeous when lit up later. All the rooms had been booked up by Hannah and Ed’s nearest and dearest long ago, so Toby was sharing with me. Not that we seemed to care about different rooms, or beds, anymore.

  “I’d better go find Hannah, we’re having manicures in the hotel spa,” I told him after we’d found our room. “Will you be okay?”

  “Yeah, I’ve got plenty to do,” he held up his iPad. “Have fun.”

  He got up and kissed my forehead before I left, then seemed embarrassed by it. I liked it; I felt like we were a couple. It was nice having someone around again, to feel part of a team, a twosome.

  I found Ed before I found Hannah. He was in reception, talking to staff about the drinks arrangements for tomorrow. I felt nervous as I approached him. I’d managed to avoid seeing or speaking to him since our lunch.

  “Hey, Ed.”

  He turned and smiled awkwardly at me. We didn’t hug, like we normally would have.

  “How’re you doing, Alice?”

  “Great, you?”

  “Yeah. I’m good. Bit nervous, you know.”

  All the stuff I’d been telling myself about how he wasn’t as perfect a person as I’d thought suddenly faded away, and I could only see the man I’d had feelings for, for years. Kind, handsome, lovely Ed.

  “You’ll be fine,” I told him. I considered for a brief second what he’d do if I went up to him now and kissed him. Or pulled him into what looked like a utility cupboard and just let it all out: how I loved him, how I always had, and let him kiss me liked he’d tried to outside the shop. Why had I stopped him again?

  He just looked at me, and I looked right back.

  Then Hannah walked out, and I remembered that I couldn’t, wouldn’t, and shouldn’t fantasise about Ed. I never should have to start with, and I never should again, for all our sakes.

  “Hey, babe!” she wrapped me up in a nice hug and I looked at Ed over her shoulder.

  “Hi, Hannah,” I said, squeezing her back as the guilt washed over me once more.

  “We’re off to the spa,” she told Ed. “Stay out of trouble.”

  “Have fun,” he said, winking at her and smiling at me.

  Maggots, maggots, maggots. All over his face, coming out of his ears and nose. Yuck.

  “I’m so excited. I’m getting married tomorrow! Tomorrow! Can you believe it?”

  “I’m so happy for you,” I said, trying really hard to mean it.

  The other bridesmaids were arriving later, so it was just us. We changed into robes and went and sat in the sauna for a while, then the Jacuzzi, then had our nails done, making idle conversation, just like old times. It was fun. She was no longer worrying about table plans, favours or flowers; everything was in place and she was more relaxed. I told her about Toby and she raised her eyebrows a few times, but didn’t suggest there was more than I was letting on about our friendship. It was nice to not have to repeat the whole ‘we are only friends’ speech again.

  I went back to the hotel room to change for dinner and found Toby lying on the bed, watching something on his iPad.

  “My mum was excited about me coming to this wedding,” he told me while I reapplied my make-up. “Told me I should bring you over for a family dinner.”

  “That’s nice, I’d love to.”
>
  “She seems to think you’re my girlfriend.”

  I shrugged. “I could do better, to be honest.”

  He laughed.

  “That’s true.”

  It wasn’t, but I didn’t say so.

  “That’s nice that she wants me to come over, though.”

  “Yeah, it’s been a long time since she saw me with a woman.”

  “So you didn’t correct her?”

  He shrugged. “I let her believe it, it seemed to make her happy.”

  Right. That was a bit odd. I didn’t know how to respond.

  “So Brian and Donna are getting married in Florida?”

  “Yeah,” his tone changed. “Donna has a friend out there who works at a fancy hotel, so they’re doing it there. Arranged it all pretty fast.”

  “You’ll be fine.”

  “I know. You want to come?”

  I glanced away from the mirror to look right at him for a moment, see if he was serious.

  “I’m serious,” he said, as if reading my mind.

  “You really want me there?”

  “If I’m honest, having a date at the wedding would be good for me. Bit like I’m doing with you today. We can see each other through it. I was also serious when I kept inviting you to come and stay with me for a while after your job ends.”

  I felt a bit overwhelmed. Was this the same moody guy I’d met in Niagara? And how many times did he have to remind me we were only friends? I got the hint already. I’d said it myself often enough, even though not to him.

  “It all sounds amazing, can I think about it?”

  “Of course. For the record, running away to NYC worked great for me. Got over her in no time.”

  I laughed. “Five years later and you’re upset about their wedding?”

  “I was joking. Obviously.”

  “We will get through this,” I told him, putting my arm around his shoulders and squeezing.

  “We will. I don’t know why, but I feel stronger with you. Like if I can help you through this wedding, somehow, make it a bit easier, then maybe I can move on myself.”